[Ed's note: I'm definitely enjoying this weekly column being split up amongst various skeelebrities. Great stuff! This week we have Alek and Katie aka Nick and Norah. Why Nick and Norah? Because I saw the movie a while back and happened to be standing next to them when they were talking one night. I may or may not have been a little tipsy. And I may or may not have asked them if they were in love, if they were going on a date ever, etc. And then I started calling them Nick and Norah, because well Alek may or may not resemble a rich man's Michael Cera (see what I did there, Alek?). Anyways, from that point on it became a running joke anytime they were talking I would come over and reference Nick and Norah. And by running joke I mean I thought it was hilarious and they would force awkward chuckles and then roll their eyes and curse my name when I walked away. I even offered to sponsor their first date, but that didn't happen. Like I said, good stuff. PS Hands down best scene in the movie Nick and Norah is when he's leaving her a pathetic voicemail and says "because you broke up with me....on my bday." Hysterical. It's at about the 30 second mark in the clip below. Anyways, on to the picks. Katie's thoughts are in red. Alek is everything else.]
Greetings, fellow Skeeballers! This week’s column is going to be brought to you by your
very own Nick and Norah! That is: Alek (Rad Russian, Nick) and Katie (Katie Connors, Norah).
By the way, Katie loves the nickname Norah and she will be very upset with you if she is called
by any other name for the rest of the skeeson. [Har har.] As for me, you can call me pretty
much anything you want, I never remember any of them anyways. Let me also note that this is
the first week that we’ll be rolling on the new Beer Ball machines. Only a few have rolled on
them more than a handful of times, and many won’t roll on them until their match times on
Thursday. In other words, everyone will roll differently than they have before and all of my
picks will be wrong. Sweet. (I plan my excuses well in advance) But that’s enough rambling, on
to the picks! Side note: I think Norah’s taking this pretty seriously. I got an email with the
schedule and everyone’s averages all laid out from her by lunch on Tuesday, no joke. [I just
want to make sure we are adequately informed! I think I could have done a better job
organizing it though.]
Bye: I Wanna Be Skeedated, Walk like a Skeegyptian
Boooo, get your priorities straight.
7:00 Matchups
Lane 2 – Pirates of the High Skees vs Schweaty Ballskees
Pirates of the High Skees, Evan’s Skeem, whatever you call yourself these days, I think it should
be mandatory for each of you to wear a shirt with a different team member’s face on it. Could be one of
the best uniforms this skeeson, just sayin. The Schweaty Ballskees are back for their second skeeson
and consistency is really quite impressive. Their scores are pretty bad, but they’re consistently bad. I
had a college coach whose favorite phrase was “Consistency is Key”. The Pirates have had multiple
mutinies and a couple of coups, but the more they fight amongst each other, the better their
scores turn out. Regina’s on the rise, Katie’s putting up some good numbers, and Evan’s… there
too! Pirates take this one.
As far as I am aware, Evan is holding the shirt design hostage so even I don’t know
what’s going on. Also, I am not in the name battle. I just came to roll. Okay, back to the pick. I
will have to agree with Nick on this one, my team will win. Beyond our higher individual scores,
we each have already practiced on the new machines. I hope Schweaty Ballskees will get a
chance to practice as well since it takes a few rolls to figure out how to make the new machines
work for you.
8:00 Matchups
Lane 1 – Skeesome vs RBSkee Centura
Ok peoples, I have a new plan of action, I’m going to finally hunt down this elusive
team “Skeesome” and party with these people. Your job, should you choose to accept it (and you’d
better) is to help me track them down, buy them shots, and skee what happens. Ooh, may have
stumbled upon my next team name.
There are a few questions about this matchup that remain to be answered: Will Megan and
Laura find their rhythm on the new machines? Will Brent continue to improve each week and jump up
some spots? Will the bank be open at times other than exactly when I’m at work and I can never !
*%&ing make it there because traffic sucks and they only have an “office location” near my work and
won’t open on a Saturday and charge me fees for a million different things?!(oops, bit of a tangent,
sorry) Will Matty Light shake off the pressure of being a preskeeson favorite for RotY? Will Ryan please
share with me the secrets of growing such a ridiculously awesome beard?
Unfortunately, there’s only one question that won’t really take too long to answer. Roy G. Biv
Centura takes this one.
That was quite dramatic. I feel safe agreeing with this pick because O’Face is on the team.
Lane 2 – Monkey Skee Monkey Do vs Tight Skeehole
Let me just say, I like this matchup. Nothing gets your confidence going on the new Beer Ball
machines like a match where you know you’re going to destroy your opponent. Alright, let’s get to it.
Tight Skeehole has been a little up and down in their team performances, but their team is not
one to sleep on. They’ve been running silent, well very silent in 12th place, but their top two are rolling
quite a bit below their normal averages. Beth, even though she has a tendency to smash beer bottles
and blame it on others, has been improving steadily and she’ll be a solid roller by the end of the
skeeson. Unfortunately for her, her teammates have not always faired so well in big games. I don’t
want to say they choked big last skeeson, but let’s face it, they choked huge last skeeson.
The Monkeys on the other hand, now that their captain has refound his form, and Jackie will be
able to get there on time (read: probably still not), and I… well, I’m there too, are going to break out of
the middle of the pack and start working on the best playoff position they can get themselves into.
Monkey Skee Monkey Do wins, nuff said.
While Monkey Skee Monkey Do will likely win this round, I don’t think it will be quite the
domination Nick expects. Tight Skeehole has had their moments of triumph but it will be interesting to
see how they manage the new machines. I have high expectations for this team and hope they’ll
maintain enough focus to prevent a smackdown.
9:00 Matches
Lane 1 – Skee Who Shall Not Be Named vs UNSkee Football Tutors
Well if this was week one, this matchup would be a marquee of the evening. The Law taking on
Burgundy, two vets each with their own experienced second-in-commands, and each with their own
rookies (I’ll remind you that Steve Rex is eternally a rookie).
While these captains’ first 3 weeks of performance have had their rankings tarnished a little, this
match will still be much closer than a #6 to #13 matchup. UNSkee’s top score: 866, No-names top score:
867. While each of UNSkee rollers is ranked higher than their opponent (OMG and TJ are only neck and
neck), if anyone expects Burgundy to keep rolling 270s on machines where hundos are so easy they had
to limit them, they’re crazy. I’m going to pick Skee Who Shall Not Be Named as the upset win in this
one. (side note: has anyone ever watched Steve Rex roll? Kid stands perfectly still, has the same fluid
arm motion every time, and as soon as the ball leaves his hand it’s lucky if it stays in his lane. Tried to
give him pointers one time and all I could say was “Just… stop rolling 10s… I got nothing.”)
It seems the 9 o’clock hour will be the one to stick around for. UNSkee will be the one taking
this win home, though. Steve Rex would really need to step it up for an upset. The UNSkee team seems
pretty steady.
Lane 2 – SkeeBR vs The Prepskees
This is a #1 (tied) vs a #9 matchup. This should be an easy one. It’s not. I’ve been in matches
where we were favored to win against The Body’s team and he decided to average a 355 for the match.
That cat can roll when he needs to. His teammates are solid rooks, staying consistent and hunting their
way up the rankings together in a pack. By the way, Meredith has to get a Good Sport Award for
accepting the nickname “Tits McSkee” without even so much as a hesitation.
SkeeBR is on top of the rankings right now, and believe me, Stat Boy probably knew that before
last week’s matches were even finished. Not only does he usually roll well, but he’ll always know exactly
what score he needs to beat you (not saying he always hits it). He’s been a bit up and down this
skeeson, but he’s right on his average. LHP has been a solid roller for a while, but this time around she’s
staying consistently high on the scoreboard. Tony Tom Todd (Todd Tom?) [Ed's note: Tony Todd Tom] has even been skirting that 300 mark already this skeeson and once he put down the 30 lb camera, he’s found a bit of a rhythm. I
swear we really don’t go and practice, the only practice I do for skeeball is keeping my liver in constant
shape. SkeeBR takes this match despite Scotty’s valiant attempt to lean up the ramp and slam dunk the
balls into the 50s.
SkeeBR is likely to take this match as each of its players have been rolling pretty well. I don’t
think The Body can carry The Prepskees to a win in this match.
10:00 Matches
Lane 1 – Coach Picked Me to Skee vs Casey Anthony is Hotskee
Obligatory Jokes out of the way: Dave Stone is old, I need a sandwich, Gatskee needs shoe lifts, Mouth
falls down a lot. Did I get them all? Probably not. [Ed's note: Hilarious!] Anywho, onto the pick. Both teams here are 1-2 and
only separated by 3 spots on the leaderboard. Only one key difference: Casey Anthony has two scores over 800, where Coach has none and that’s a huge difference.
After a huge week 1 number, Dave Stone has had a few struggles on the lanes. He’s a captain
for a reason though, and I expect those numbers to improve quite a bit. He leads his team of lovely
ladies but they’re more than just distractions for the other team. I’m interested to see how Brie handles
hundo-hunting on the new machines and Kate has been close to consistent as statistically possible. P.S.
has anyone else seen Kate running damn near everywhere downtown? Every time I’m stuck in traffic
and trying to mentally blow up the cars in front of me, Kate somehow runs by and makes me feel bad
for not running more. If you could stop making me feel slow and out of shape, it’d be much ‘preciated,
thanks.
The Mouth’s team name is appropriately inappropriate. If that confuses you, you don’t know
Mike. He’s decided to pair up with a couple of rookies this skeeson and it looks like the plan is working
for him. He’s atop the leaderboard and while one of his rookies has been lured to the temptation of the
hundo, his other has started making a move for the RotY spot. Casey Anthony takes this one and covers
the spread. (Not doing that this time? Thank God)
I am going to need Dave Stone and his harem to pick it up a bit because I expect Coach Picked
Me to Skee to win over such a terribly named team. While I do admit the rookskees on Mouth’s team
have potential, I am unsure whether they can make a significant difference this time around. Though,
who knows? Without a longstanding history with the old machines, they might take to BeerBall easier.
Lane 2 – Kings of Skeeon vs Nanskee Kerrigan
This matchup confuses me. Who exactly is on Nanskee Kerrigan? I see five names here, and at
any given time, they’ve all rolled with different people. Well, let’s see, Jenny and Alana are doing pretty
well. Holding their own in the middle of the pack with Kathryn right behind them. Nash and Vito
haven’t faired as well, but I have no idea who the hell is rolling this week.
On the other side, we have Kings of Skeeon, two solid vets and a rookie who has stepped it
up big time. Wonder___Boy told me he was going to pass me in the rankings and he did. You can be
assured that come Thursday he will have practiced plenty on those new machines. Wendy will have
practiced too, but with plenty more smoke/drink breaks. Stemmler’s attendance will probably be
mandatory and count as a third of his grade. I expect this team to stay at the top of the standings and
be a chalice contender in the end. Kings of Skeeon win it.
What? Did I write too much? Too friggin bad, you know you only skip to your matchup anyways.
You’re not even reading this now are you!? I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.
For John Anderson and Jill Wagner, I’m John Henson saying “Good night and Big Balls”
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Useful, you two. Useful. More importantly, “Where’s Fluffy?!