[Editor's note: As I mentioned last week, Gatskee will be doing less "picks" this skeeson and more commentary/general analysis. Hence the "rambles" as opposed to gambles. I haven't even read this latest diatribe, so I'll be commenting as I peruse through it. I'll also go ahead and bold people's names so if you're a skimmer, you can see where you're called out/praised. Enjoy!]
This week I am coming to you live in the thick of a severe thunderstorm. That’s right kids, The Great Gatskee lives so far out on the edge, and he uses his computer when there is lightning and thunder out! I ain’t scurred. Hell, this has been the same forecast for the last 3 weeks or so. If you are a meteorologist, you have had the biggest cakewalk of a job this past month. I bet these clowns just record the forecast ahead of time and don’t even bother showing up to work. “Good morning, Raleigh, this is Big Josh with your Big Weather on our exclusive Big 1,000,000 mega-atomic-super-pixel Tri-Radar map that can pinpoint a storm down to the number of raindrops actually falling! Today is gonna be a great day in Raleigh, but ohhh man, it’s gonna be hot and very humid. Good chance of storms developing in the afternoon or the evening or both because whatever, it’s humid out so moisture goes up in the atmosphere and will be hurtling down to the ground right about when you get out of work and head out onto I40 and 540 and 440 where you’ll just get stuck in gridlock anyways. Just try not to poop in your pants when you have to dodge the 4 accidents ahead of you on the other side of the road but your side is stopped because everyone thinks it’s a viewing area instead of a road. Speaking of which, let’s throw it to Honda Wanda with your Drive Time Traffic update. Weathermen have it easy. Nobody ever calls these guys out when they screw up the weather. How many jobs can you be wrong 90% of the time and no one questions you on it? When was the last time someone said “Hey, Greg Fishel, I’m sick of your $h!t. Is it gonna rain or isn’t it?!” It’s amazing. Go look up the salary numbers too. I dare you. Anyways, ranting aside, I do love a good thunderstorm. And I love it even more when someone says it might hail. Seriously, bring on the carnage! Had a storm last night come nearly over my house because the time between lightning and thunder claps was about half a second. I used science to determine how far away the storm was. Half a mile. Oh yeah? Think I’m wrong?! Don’t hate science. Don’t hate Tom Cruise for that matter either.
But let’s not dwell on all that. I’m ready to call out a few folks about last week. Somebody tell Scotty the Body and Evan that this season is NOT a moneyball season. Evan damn near finished with a 500 for the night (but he blew it in the 10th frame with a 27!). I guess I could dwell on that last frame to deflate his ego a little bit, but how can you find fault in a 473? I was pretty content with my own 410, but I pretty much wanted to tear my score sheet up once I saw stupid Roberts rolling. Speaking of my score sheet… we brought in a sub who simply dominated the lanes last night and is making me wonder about maybe trading one of my girls for him. But who do I let go of? I like Allison Chains and her e-cigarette (so hipster) and Madivil Times has huge promise as well. But this guy Matt…315. Lead us to a 966!! Boobs or brawn? God I have no idea. [Ed's note: I can vouch for this Matt kid as I rolled head to head against him last week. Kid is legit and if you're looking for a solid third I would sign him asap. Total game-changer for your team's skeeson.]
Scotty the Body got a name drop a paragraph ago and I suppose it’s fair to acknowledge his own monster roll. Dude rolled a 465 to jump ahead of Stat Boy in the #1 spot. His score probably would have been higher had it not been for a gutter ball and me most definitely jinxing two of his rounds. I own Scotty’s head. I don’t even have to say anything. I can just be anywhere NEAR the lanes and dude curls up in the fetal position like Adam Scott at the British Open. At least dude did his push-ups though. That gets its own paragraph a little later. Helluva week, Body. Maybe now you can buy your own discs to throw into the creek at Kentwood.
Speaking of creeks… last weekend a group of mostly skeeballahs spent the middle of Saturday floating down the Neuse River (not into the pollution though) and it was thoroughly awesome. This needs to happen again. I think we rolled about 20 deep and people even had floats for coolers. Mr. Werner (who is consistently missing 300 by either 1 or 2 points each week thus far) spent much of the float walking through the water (it was generally shallow) and I considered him a river guide. That’s some good rookskee hazing though amIrite?! “Hey rookskee, hold my float steady! Push me to the left! Get me a beer! Hey, where’s your float, homie?! No you can’t have mine. Help me get into the float though.” Awww. I guess technically, dude has yet to actually float so we definitely have to go again. I’m content floating down that river every weekend. And especially after a good rainstorm so the current kicks up a bit. But it was seriously a chill time. Don’t float near Dawn though. She’s an assassin and brought a damn float that had water guns attached!! Of course Evan had to kick it up a notch as well with his float that was a shark’s head (the teeth even had air in them!) as well as a water gun. I don’t know whose canoe it was, but we had one of those in the group too. Werner’s life-partner, Mike (remember WernGraup??!!) was steering (if you can call it that) along with Ryan and everyone pretty much used the canoe to hold empties and coolers and things you didn’t want to get wet. Canoe was vital to fun. I think next time I may just want a life jacket or a pair of floaties though. But I need 2 for my legs too. How great would that be? Watching some idiot float down a river with floaties on his arms and legs! I think we floated like 2 miles and it took about 3.5 hours or so. Lots of laughs. No one drowned. There were some good panic moments when the water was shallow though. It was also fun to tell Leigh-Ellen that there was a snake nearby. Sorry for partying. But yeah, to sum it up, this is why you come early and stay late every Thursday. Meet some people, plan some $h!t and just let it roll.
Let’s bring this back to skeeball though. Over the past few skeesons a “rule” has sort of manifested regarding gutter balls. A gutter ball is not when the ball rolls all the way back to you, but it lands on that little bridge below the 10 and the scoreboard pops up a nice, round ZERO for that ball. Well, I believe it began in Charlotte with Johnny V. starting a thing where the person who rolls a gutter has to do 10 pushups on the lane. You are supposed to do them immediately after that zero, but it is acceptable to do the pushups after your 9th ball. It’s a fun thing for the crowd in that everyone counts the pushups and judges you on your form and we all hoot and holler. It’s the proper amount of public humiliation (as if rolling a 0 wasn’t enough). There is also a sort of acceptance that comes once you do your pushups because people cheer. So that idea has been roundly accepted and is mostly consistent in each city. I say all that to say this. No one is going to physically force you to do the pushups. Yeah everyone boos and jeers and whatnot, but if you don’t do them, life goes on. But let me say this… if you refuse to partake, you take yourself FARRRRRRRRR too seriously and it’s a completely weak move on your part. 10 pushups is NOTHING. And this isn’t limited to guys either. Girls do the pushups as well!! It’s become part of the fun. When you rob the league of a chance to count out loud and cheer or jeer, you lessen the league and you look like an idiot who think they are too cool for school. Especially if you are a veteran roller. There is no excuse for that. Rookskees, yeah I can understand the hesitancy, but veterans who know Johnny V and know the rule, man that is just terrible. Get over yourself. You rolled a zero, so do your pushups and take your medicine. And show off on the 10th one. We know who skipped out last week. I’m gonna be merciless starting next week if I find out people skip out on forced exercise!
Calm down, little Gatskee. Goossss frabbbbbaaaaahhh. I’m going down these rookskee scores and just as I am nice a calm, I get a Words With Friends ding that it’s my move and Farrell has sent me a message. Message: “BAM!”. Oh $h!t. That sonofabitch just dropped a 130pt word on me. [Ed's note: 136 point word] I’m back to being angry. You get a cock punch Thursday. I’m gonna get Burrelled (drunk like Cory) and treat you like a Bojangles drive-thru. Speaking of which, Cory (Microllsoft) took the lead on the Rookskee of the Skeeson running. 331 and dude is hitting some hundos. Alan is still #2 followed by Brad (Bayside High) and his life partner skeemate, Mike. I met Brad last week and that guy is awesome. I love watching people get fired up on the lanes and this guy was all over the place. I’m pretty positive he was well inebriated so he probably has no recollection of any of this, but that 307 is a nice jump from his 259. Keep it up, sucka! I might have to start doing some rookskee interviews… hmm…
Here are a couple matches to keep an eye on this week.
7:30 – Lane 2 – Skee Como No vs. Bayside High Skeeball Team
This match pits a bunch of veterans against a bunch of veterans (and a rookskee). Skee Como No is a huge disappointment so far as they sit at a very low 834 avg, especially considering all three of them own chalices and even an HRT trophy. [Ed's note: Wendy, aka Sniper, has never won a Chalice. Know your skee history, Gatskee!] I guess when you look at history though, all those awards happened a loooong time ago. Maybe we’ve been giving these girls more credit than they deserve? I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’. Regardless, an 805 is not okay for these girls. There is no reason they can’t break 900. Bayside High, on the other hand, nearly busted the 1000 barrier. CT nearly broke 400 last week (well, kinda… 382) and DMC is returning to her 300 form (297 last week) and who knows if Brad is gonna make a run at the Top Rookskee honors. This will be a fun match to watch. I think I’m gonna show up early. My head says Bayside will take the win, but I’m rooting for Skee Como No to right the ship and stop me from all my verbal abuse. Wendy, yes it’s ok for you to go hundo. Bayside High Skeeball Team wins by 45.
10:30 – Lane 1 – Harry and the Hundosons vs. Skeeber Fever
This will be the last time I highlight Scotty the Body’s team. Seriously, you don’t deserve any press for naming your squad after that long lost Backstreet Boy. Yeah it’s probably likely that Body rolls into the 400s again and with Dustin likely around a 320-330, there is a good chance they destroy my former skeemates Alek, Katie and Leigh-Ellen. But the Hundosons are starting to hit their hundos and I see no reason they can’t all come together and roll 950. Unfortunately, Skeeber Fever has yet to drop below 1000 so I might have to wander nearby and jinx Body into an awful night. 4th roller! I also get a chance to watch “rookskee” Josh Gadd try to maintain a lead over his wife (currently his avg is 24.85 to her 24.75). Last week he topped her by one point too (249 to 248). Skeeber Fever wins by 100. I feel kinda bad picking against my former team…
Last thing for this week. I’m pretty impressed by the number of teams who already have uniforms set. One day I won’t wait until the last minute, but I’m digging what I see. There are trophies for best uniform and best team names too so all of this matters! Be sure to find me Thursday and give me some leads on things to rant about next week. I’m still meeting rookskees so forgive me if you didn’t get a shout out yet. I’m watching. But I’m drinking too. I’m also keeping a safe distance from Sal (Skeeneck T-shirts) and his pythons. Don’t make that guy mad. I’m about to destroy Farrell and make a huge comeback in Words With Friends. He’s too chicken$h!t to challenge me in Scramble though. [Ed's note: I quit Scramble forever ago when someone told me there was a cheat code. I hate playing people that cheat in those games. And I can definitely tell. That's why I enjoy playing Gatskee in Words w Friends: he doesn't play ridiculous words he doesn't know the meanings to for 800 points. And for the most part, our games are relatively close. Anyways, if you don't cheat and are quasi-decent at Words, my username is SkeeNation.com...or SkeeNation. I forget which one, but hit me up.]