[Welp, per the usual I haven't read his diatribe yet, but I will comment along the way. He did apparently interview Scotty and Evan this week so we'll see how that goes. Boom done. PS You may wanna stick around until the interview with Evan and Scotty!]
Welcome to Week 4, Raleigh and welcome to another chance to read my well thought out and significantly researched rants. I’m pretty fired up with the Olympics going on and Americans winning gold medals. You can’t help but get a little pumped up at some of these swimming events as well as the gymnastics. You know what else I love? Getting all of the spoilers hours before I ever have a chance to watch the events in the order that my grand master NBC determines and rarely in the order they occurred. [Ed's note: Fact!] It was great to watch the US Girls Gymnastics team the other night and then have NBC artificially build up the “drama” of the events by not showing some of the failures of Russia and cutting away from gymnastics all together to show a couple swimming finals. NBC doesn’t always show the scores from the other countries gymnasts, especially if they might be low or inconsequential to the match. In this case, they could only talk about whether or not the US could secure the gold by accentuating how my new favorite Jew, Aly Raisman fell on a practice tumble on her upcoming floor routine. She landed poorly in practice. Nevermind that the 2nd place Russian team just endured an awful fall from their anchor gymnast (and hottie) Ksenia Afanasyeva, which really sealed the US win before they even performed the final rotation. NBC pisses me off. They piss me off because they brag about how high their ratings are when they are the exclusive US carrier of the Olympics. Unless I want to stream online somewhere or have BBC (not everyone does), my only chance to watch the games on TV comes from NBC. Gee, I wonder why your ratings are high! A$$holes.
I also find it annoying how the cameras follow around the crying gymnasts who lose. These kids are teenagers and it’s usually a one-shot deal in the Olympics for them. So 3 minutes after they fall or stumble or fart and it costs them a gold medal or a team medal, you expect them to be composed enough to properly diagnose what went wrong and talk eloquently about what just happened? Gimme a break. I half expected the Russian girls to be on the ground pulling each other’s hair and screaming as well as Jordyn Weiber causing a “wardrobe malfunction” as she tore off Aly Raisman’s leotard after Raisman qualified ahead of her (because of a stupid rule). These are teenage girls with muscles and attitude. How have there been no fights on the floor??!! The Russians were ready to throw down royal rumble style too. I was ready for blood. For now, let’s steer this back to skeeball and away from the gratuitous showing of underage girls drowned in makeup and shiny bathing suits. Scooter must be going crazy.
[Ed's note: Holy sh*t, who thought it was a good idea to give this guy a column? Should have stuck to weekly picks. Jesus Christ.]
This all kind of got me to thinking about skeeball’s prospects in future Olympics. Could it ever become an event? Don’t know. As much as I would love to see it, I just don’t think it is possible. It doesn’t seem like a good fit to rally around. Skeeball has too few options to maintain drama. [Ed's note: Apparently Gatskee was too drunk to witness the Globo Gym vs Ruf-skee-OOO match last Super Saturday. Redic.] On an Olympic level, you have to believe everyone would have long ago mastered hundos. It would essentially be a hundo fest, which would inevitably be a battle of who hits the most perfect games. And I just do not think a perfect game is so incredibly hard to achieve (again, this is assuming world class competition). No one would bother with 40s or 50s because it limits your potential score. I hate to say it, guys, skeeball wouldn’t work on an Olympic level. [Ed's note: Someone please remind me to punch him in the nuts next time i see him. Fucking water polo, bro. Check yourself.] No medal for The Great Gatskee. I think the best shot would be to get it included in another event like pentathlon. Hell, they change that every Olympics anyways. Who the hell cares of you can make a horse jump over and through things. Cut that crap out (horses don’t care about medals anyways) and throw skeeball right in there between archery and swimming! [Ed's note: Fuck you, Gatskee.]
Well, last week was amazingly fun. Half the teams rolling showed up, and a couple apparently quit (I could go on another rant here about all that but I shall refrain) and it left us with unopposed matches and we STILL managed to get 30 minutes behind schedule by 10pm. Tony Todd Tom wasn’t even rolling!! How did this happen?! O’Verlord O’Face is not pleased. I blame Evan’s team for stalling on the 9:30 slot. Cory spent way too much time ogling Gaby in her white and black stripes. Gotta get control of your rookskees, Evan! My team also rolled at 9:30 and while, we started late because I was trying to find a sub, we were unopposed so we finished on time(ish). This week, as punishment, the time slots have changed. [Ed's note: Who's Gaby???? Pics or it didn't happen.]
Matches now begin at 7pm, 8pm, 9pm, and 10pm. Better be on time, you monkeys!
We had a lot of fun in the meantime though. A massive group of hecklers relentlessly bombarded Skeeber Fever (Scotty the Body, Dustin, and Josh Gadd). It may or may not have been led by myself. We were terrible though. Now, mind you, it was completely legal, but Skeeber Fever went from rolling 1028 in Week 2 to 887 last week. Body rolled over 100 points lower than his average and Gadd lost to his wife, Cari (which means he gets to be DD this week). A quick note on Cari. The last two weeks she has lost by a single point to her hubby. This time though, she put up a significantly higher 269! I hope she gets super hammer time this week just because she can. Team Cari! Meanwhile, Josh was stuck in the 220s, most likely because of me making him laugh before he was ready to roll. Dude was legit nervous on the lanes once he knew he was being watched. Funny, that is exactly like my own teammate…
I have to give props to these guys for taking it in stride though. Dustin felt what it was like to be a marked man too. There was just no escaping it. We brought the pain every frame. And then Keith and Aaron, his old skeemates showed up and were just plain vulgar. Those guys, man. They’ll show up to heckle, but can’t show up to roll with Sal?! Weak sauce. Evan and I mostly focused on destroying Scotty the Body though. It makes me wonder who gets the heckling treatment this week? Scotty is gonna be looking for revenge after his drop from #1 to #3. Could this week be Statboy’s turn? Or will Evan get some of his own medicine? Maybe Scooter deserves a shot. He flew way under the radar last week and rolled a stellar 398 and he loves to join the heckle crowds.
Speaking of Scooter, it bears note that his team demolished the lanes last week. There 1036 was good for the 2nd highest score all skeeson! Matt Potter (who, incidentally, is just NOW Facebook official with skeemate Amanda) showed no rust from a week at the beach with a 331 and Amanda followed with her own 307. Those scores included the couple’s matching Full 40s as well. That 307 probably had nothing to do with a little coaching from Gatskee an hour before the match of course. Damn, Scooter, I’m schooling your team now too?!?!
You know who else showed up last week? Skee Como No! I don’t really know what happened, but I have heard that O’Verlord O’Face gave The Sniper permission to launch hundos and she did just that on her way to a much-improved 345. That’s good to keep her right behind Nichole for the Top Chica award. Nichole is 15th overall by the way. Sorry that is sort of pathetic. No girls in the top 14?! [Ed's note: CTs "choke line" comment had me cracking up...] I should have mentioned this last week, but Ms. Boone (Little Skeesars) did actually crack the Top 10 (she was 10th) but dropped after a crappy week 3. I take a bit of the blame for not giving her some shine and it is abundantly clear it got to her head. Last week was an angry roll. Now that you got a shout out, Nichole, what’s gonna happen with people watching?! Uh oh!
While I’m on women (heh heh), I should make note of my own skeemate, Allison Chains [Ed's note: Nope. I'm still pushing Allison Wonderland.] and her push-up abilities. After I went off on people not doing push-ups after rolling a gutter ball, of course one of my teammates would be next in line for push-ups. But Allison played the game and though it took a bit of prodding from her captain, she performed in front of a sort of confused crowd. I think she finished the frame off on a high note too. Those pushups got her a little excited and I’m now torn because I need my team excited, but I don’t need them rolling gutters in order to release that beast. I’m looking at our 889 last week and well, with me rolling a 400 on my own… it cannot be good for our prospects if I’m scoring half of our point on my own. My team needs to master the Schwartz.
How does our rookskee watch look this week? Well, last week, half of WernGraup [Ed's note: The Werner Bros.] decided to be all tough and start a bit of a comment war on facebook with yours truly. How did that end up? Well, I after leading all rookskees for the first 2 weeks, Alan BARELY surpassed my 260 prediction (267) and he is now over 3pts below Cory (and no one should ever want to be below Cory). And let’s not even bring up Mr. Mariner, Mike Graupner. Ok, well, he didn’t roll that awful, but I feel it’s necessary to call him out regardless. All of this just makes room for Brad to keep moving up the rankings. I’m not so convinced that Cory can maintain his pace. I’m definitely ready to watch him crash and burn on the lanes. There is major heckle potential here. That’s right. It’s ok to heckle rookskees. It’s especially ok to heckle rookskees when they come up with an effing graph that charts their progress as compared to other rookskees. Cory deserves endless heckling for the way he has ruined Fun Dip as well. What a creeper.
This week there are a number of significant matchups. Harry & The Hundosons vs. Tennesskee Whiskey intrigues me. How is Scooter’s team gonna react to a Rolling Times cover and a 1000+ score? Is Potter gonna overtake Dustin show that he should have been Rookskee of the Year last skeeson? What about Amanda? Will she remember what she learned last week or will she go back to being timid about hundos? Could Scooter break the 400 mark? Is he gonna get heckled to death like the other Scott did?! I have so many questions. My heart continuously thinks Alek, Katie, and Leigh-Ellen can match up with the big team this skeeson. The talent is there (heh, skeeball talent… that’s funny to say). But who is the closer? Where is that short, chubby, handsome hundo-rolling maniac putting up the huge scores to carry the team?! 300s are nice and all, but someone has to break free from all that and jump up to the 350 range these guys plan to go deep into the playoffs. Hey, when do I get to roll against Harry & the Hundosons?? I’m selling Tennesskee Whiskey as a 1000+ team… I just don’t think that is the norm. But I’ll buy them as a Top 5 team so they should win this round, provided AMattda (oof) doesn’t get in a lover’s quarrel or something. Tennesskee Whiskey also wins because this weekend is Beer, Bourbon, BBQ fest in Cary and I’m in a drinking mood.
Immediately following that match on the same lane is another great matchup. Well, potentially great, anyways. Statboy’s Mightskee Ducks go for the 4-0 against CT and DMC’s Bayside High Skeeball Team. The numbers would tip this to Statboy as dude is once again back on the #1 slot and averaging a 43. At some point he is gonna have an off week or two, but will it be enough for CT to take advantage? I’d go to work on the fragile minds of WernGraup. We all kinda saw how they were affected last week. Maybe knowing that ahead of time will help a bit. Or maybe they do something ridiculous like taunt Gatskee again. Brad has a real shot to move up the rookskee scale with a big roll though. Bayside has come close to breaking 1000 once and I think they can break that barrier if Dawn and Brad are hitting on the 40s and Brad the 100s. They may have to if they expect to have a shot here since Mightskee Ducks are quacking right at a 1000 average. It’s hard to bet against those numbers and though it is SO easy for me to pile onto the rookskees, I just can’t do it. Bayside brings the thunder, but the Flying V withstands a latish charge and stays undefeated.
Damn, 9pm has a hot match too! Skee Como No looks to gain a little more respect with a 2nd straight strong week. They get a shot at Coach Stone and #skeeballs. Who the hell knows how this match will end up though. Wheeler is supposedly on the team but this far he has made only one match. These guys don’t even bother finding a sub when the hipster doesn’t show. They just roll as a duo. It’s cute and all and they aren’t rolling badly, but when you only log 2 scores, your team score is gonna be shitty. Just think what might happen with a full squad! You might actually break 900!! Of course, depending on which Skee Como No team shows up, #skeeballs might only need 2 rollers. Will it be the 805 team of Week 2 or the 937 team from last week? How many cigarettes in with these 3 girls be by 9pm? How drunk will Coach be by 9pm? These guys were kinda pissed to be on the cold list last week so you can bet they are rolling with a chip on their shoulders. I’m on the Skee Como No train this week. I have no particular reason. But I can’t wait to see the sad, disappointed puppy face of Dave Stone wondering what he has to do to get some skeeball love round these parts. You know what? No. I changed my mind. Stone needs a moral boost. #skeeballs takes this one!
Well, I saved this all for last. Wrapping up the night is a huge showdown between Skeeber Fever and Microllsoft. Well, it’s really just Scotty vs. Evan that is exciting. No one else cares about the other guys involved. But Microllsoft is 4pts out of 1st place and Skeeber Fever is not far behind them (and probably would be ahead if not for a huge bed $h!tting last week!). Plus, given how Evan and Cory were a big part of the heckle crowd that just completely threw off Scotty and Dustin, you can bet they are looking for serious revenge. What better way than to showcase an asswhupping on the lanes?! Lucky for all of you, I took a few moments to set this one up big time. I conducted a bit of an interview with Scotty and Evan and I’ll just let them answer a few questions to set the stage. I’ll see you kids on Thursday when I roll another 400+ score under the radar.
GATSKEE: Thanks for joining me today, guys. Scotty I’ll start with you because Evan is posting another link to Facebook. You’ve been around this league a number of skeesons now and you have had a lot of success from the get go, mostly because you are tall and lean into the lanes about 6ft. Who do you think wins in a cage match: You, Dustin, and Josh vs. Evan, Cory and Thomas?
SCOTTY THE BODY: Haha what the hell? We would definitely win. Have you seen Josh fight with Cari? Wait, that’s a terrible example. She destroys him. No, I don’t know. I am pretty sure Cory would immediately attack in the dirtiest way possible. I’m terrible in a fight though so is Evan. I could kick your ass though, Gatskee.
GATSKEE: Speaking of Cory, what are the chances he hits a huge wall soon and massively $h!ts the bed?
SCOTTY: Oh it’s definitely gonna happen. It’s gonna happen this week. This guy thinks he can come in and heckle me and it’s not gonna get returned? It’s not gonna last. The guy is a fluke. Evan can coach his guys all he wants, they both suck.
GATSKEE: Have you noticed a slump in Evan’s game now that he’s been married for a year and the honeymoon is over?
BODY: Hahaha!! He was my skeemate last skeeson and we did win a chalice so I can’t say a whole lot. But there is definitely something there. He had a good Super Saturday and won the HRT, but it was against you, Gatskee… it was pretty much a gimme. We all know he was the weakest link on the team. He’s only ahead of me now because you are a jinx, Gatskee. You stay away from me this week.
GATSKEE: Last question. How many pink shirts do you own and is that your uniform?
BODY: I’m gonna punch you, Littleman. That’s a clown question, bro.
Wow. Scotty is pretty fired up, I think. Is it motivating or is it just hating? Let’s see what Evan has to say.
GATSKEE: What’s up, Ev. Body had some pretty strong words a few minutes ago, but before we get to that, let me ask you this – How does Scotty manage to constantly pull hot tail? Is he secretly loaded or just packing a big gun? Or both? And do you think he uses “I’m a skeeball god” as a pick-up line with the ladies?
EVAN: Ahahahaha, Scotty never pulls hot tail!!! That pick-up line would probably help though, especially when he is hanging out by the high schools.
GATSKEE: Between Scotty and Dustin, who’s the catcher and who’s the pitcher?
EVAN: Wow. Scotty should probably catch, but Dustin will do whatever you tell him so it’s probably him.
CORY: BOTH of them are the catchers and I’m pitching all the time!
GATSKEE: Cory, WHAT THE F*$K ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?! Wait… are you smoking one of those e-cigarettes??
GATSKEE: If you were to cast someone to play Scotty in the story of his life, which actor are you picking?
EVAN: They’ll never make a story of his life unless that story is about a guy who can’t throw a disc more than 50ft or putt to save his life. But remember that nerdy kid in Roadtrip? The guy who nailed that fat chick and took her leopard underwear? He should play Body. He’s tall, skinny and just gets dominated by everybody.
Daaaaaammmmnnnn. Takedown city. I can’t wait for tonight.
[Ed's note: Christ indeed.]