Raleigh Skeeson X High Rollers Report

[Editor's Note: Each skeeson I select a V.I.Skee to write the High Rollers Report. This person goes through the bracket round by round making his selections and adding commentary along the way. He is granted a cloak of anonymity so he may say whatever he desires without fear of negative retribution by his/her peers. Long story short, if the writer made fun of you, it means he likes you. It's all in good fun, so enjoy and we'll see ya on the lanes Saturday morning!]
FIRST ROUND

#1 Stat Boy vs. #32 Josh Gaad / Wild Card Winner

Folklore has it Josh won’t be able to make it on Super Saturday, and there isn’t the snowiest snowball’s chance in hell that the Wild Card winner takes down Mark. Even if this match goes three games and the entire crowd is screaming and chanting for the underdog, this won’t phase Mark. Stat Boy advances.

# 16 Brad vs. #17 Katie Connors

Cowabunga, dude! This is a match-up of two of my favorite people in the league. That being said, this rookie roller is the hottest thing since toasted, sliced bread. Bayside Brad moves on!  Katie Connors shakes hands with him, and then pulls up a spot on the couch and resumes her book reading.

#9 DK vs. #24 LE

Does anyone else think Danielle is over-rated? As a matter of fact the “power couple” of her and CT might be the most over-hyped power couple of all time. But Leigh Ellen is spoiling everyone’s fun on Super Saturday by making Evan go to a bridal shower or the mall or a wedding or something like that, so the one they call “DK” moves on by default. Also, I have no idea if that’s really what is happening on Saturday but I enjoy being able to rib Evan without him being able to know it was me. Haha.

#8 Potter vs. #25 Mike G

Unfortunately, I don’t know him too well, but I think I like this Mike G kid. Maybe once he and Alan break up I can get to know him a little better. But there’s zero chance he beats Potter. Potter is the second-hottest thing behind Brad right now. The only thing hotter than those two is Pamela Anderson. Yes I am aware she is the age of Moses but I could care less. If you haven’t watched her homemade video and/or her movie Barbed Wire, you haven’t masturbated properly. Am I allowed to say masturbate in this thing or is Captain Brian going to censor my article? I think we should start calling him Brian from now on. Farrell sounds too cool for that nerdball. Potter wins, then I try to convince him to get a mohawk. And maybe a neck tattoo.

#5 CT vs. #28 Don

Who is this Don guy? Did he even play this season? Or was he the really drunk guy who kept yelling at people for high-fiving him after his rolls last night? Haha. Doesn’t matter, CT Slater advances.

#12 Dustin vs. #21 Alan

Perhaps Alan will win this match and go on to win the entire tourney as his final farewell to Raleigh. And perhaps Kate Sisco will show up to the bar in a bikini on Saturday and be the sign girl in between matches. Neither of these things is happening. Dustin “I prefer to be called Dutch” Holland wins.

#13 Stone vs. #20 Wheeler

Haha. Real talk, what are the chances these two actually show up on Saturday? Second level real talk, did anyone else see their meltdown vs Gatskee’s team last night. Double haha. Stone wins and heads to the bar to rip shots with an already incoherent Farrell while Wheeler shrugs, mumbles something to Sammy, and then heads over to Architect with Jillian. Will someone please tell him he’s already getting laid by her on the regular. I want to write him a note and say “Hey man, it’s already a guaranteed thing, stop flirting and working so hard.” That is all.

#4 Gatskee vs. #29 Thomas

Let’s just go ahead and get this out of the way. Everyone keeps saying this is Gatskee’s year, whatever that means. No way Jose. Yes he has gotten better over the seasons and yes he lost in the finals of the HRT last year to Evan. But it’s definitely not his season. He does however win this round and Thomas goes to get a beer while trying to rally the crowd with a “Mitt-ens Rom-ney” clap clap clapclapclap chant. Facebook should have a filter where I can block all political/religious chatter. Politics can kick rocks. God save the Queen!

#2 Evan vs. #31 Ryan

If Evan were a smarter man he would have pulled the Get Out of Jail Free card for this weekend. No way I’m letting my wife/girlfriend/mistress/boyfriend/life partner keep me from a repeat chance at both the Championship and the individual title. No way Jose. Ryan takes a brief hiatus from his pub trolley driving job to win this match by default. I’ve never actually ridden on the trolley but when I do I can guarantee you we will pass every car on the street because I am the Lance Armstrong of amateur biking. Throw in some beer and all you’ll be seeing is my dust.

#15 Nichole vs. #18 Shanna

Ha. I don’t know why but this game makes me laugh. Can we make it possible that they both lose? This match will 100% come down to hundos. And my spider senses tell me Nichole wins it. Shanna heads to the bar for her 8,000th shot of Jameson this season. We get it, you’re really good at doing shots of Whiskey. Stop putting your name on plaques in bars and do something to help the world. Like adopt an African kid or something.

#10 WCB vs. #23 Jennifer

I’m not sure I know who this Jennifer is. Is she a rookie? Doesn’t really matter since the second coming of Mouth – cocky talk-wise, not talent wise – has chosen a college football game over Super Saturday. And not even a good college football game. Is ECU even an accredited institution? I feel like that “school” is like the one from the movie Accepted. Some guy couldn’t get into any other school so he made up his own and convinced his parents and a bunch of his friends parents to pay out $20K a year so they could party. Whatever, Jennifer moves on.

#7 Scooter vs. #26 Amanda

Has anyone seen this Amanda girl recently? Or did Potter tie her up in his creepy basement? Everyone knows that is the only way he got her to date him. He put some magical spell over her and then locked her up in his basement. So I think this is the part where I’m supposed to hype up the fact that they’re team mates and this is going to be an interesting matchup yadda yadda. No one cares about that. Scooter demolishes her and then gives everyone a goofy grin.

#6 WB vs. #27 OMG

Haha. Former lovers facing off on the lanes. Makes me chuckle. Skeeball hook-ups in general make me chuckle. Mary G may be pretty but Ehren has nothing else to shoot for on Super Saturday, so he will have laser-like focus. Ehren does not lose. You heard it here first.

#11 Sniper vs. #22 Alana

Even with Mark coaching in the background and calculating every possible score scenario for Alana, Wendy still moves on in two straight. Alana may high-five and smile and play nice after the match, but secretly she wants to murder Wendy. It’s pretty obvious that she is tired of being in Stat Boy’s skeeball shadow.

#14 Russian vs. #19 DMC

If only Alek’s skeeball skills were as good his baseball table building skills, this match might be worth watching. Dawn is code for Dynamite. As in TNT. Kaboom. Dawn advances.

#3 Body vs. #30 Sammy

I think Scotty will be at the mall shopping for dresses with Evan on Saturday. If Sammy shows up, he advances. That’s a big IF.

SECOND ROUND

#1 Stat Boy vs. #16 Brad

Marky mark mark mark. Talk about making some life upgrades recently. The guy went from single to a steady girl. To moving into a new place with her. To working in sports television. Mark is currently owning 2012. Just like he’ll be owning Brad in this match.

#8 Potter vs. #9 Danielle

Dk dominates again as Scooter’s protege goes down. Or so I here. Haha.

#5 CT vs #12 Dustin

It seems like every season I read this thing they pick CT to win the whole thing. And it never happens because the guy is a choke artist. He got lucky in Skeeson I and took home the Chalice but didn’t even get a beer shower. Does that Chalice even really count? Anyway his luck holds out for a bit longer and he puts the smack down on Dutch.

#4 Gatskee vs #13 Dave Stone

I would make a short vs tall joke here. But I think the Gatskee short stuff has been overdone a little too much. So maybe we should make fun of him for something else now. I’ll go first – his fedora hat. Hatskee moves on easily here since Stone and Farrell are spooning out on the picnic table by this point.

#15 Nichole vs. #31 Ryan

Ryan “I put the TP in Raleigh and TP stands for TrolleyPub not Toilet paper” W gets the hell kicked out of him this match. In a very embarrassing way. I’ll spare you the details but the way he gets manhandled here will make him wish he had never met Mary and she had never brought him out to skeeball.

#7 Scooter vs. #23 Jennifer

I still am not sure who Jennifer is. Maybe I should mingle more. Scooter wins because I know who he is. Yes way Jose!

#6 WB vs #11 Wendy

Ehren versus Wendy. Both have played since Season 1 and that’s when Wendy won the HRT and Ehren didn’t even qualify for the HRT. Haha. Also makes me chuckle. Luckily WonderBoy has evolved since then. He handles Mrs. Brooslin with ease and then goes and bums a cigar off her husband outside. Well played, sir.

#19 Dawn vs. #30 Sammy

At this point I’m going to assume Samuel either hasn’t shown up or has already stopped by for his one beer and left already. No Yawn Dawn moves on!

THIRD ROUND

#1 Stat Boy vs. #9 Danielle

Stat Boy calculates each ball correctly and beats Mrs. Smith in two straight. He then begins mentally calculating his next opponent’s average while Danielle heads outside to smoke 8 cigarettes with Wendy and Shanna.

#5 CT vs. #4 Josh Ganeles

Tim Tebow’s stalker/lover versus Hatskee. This will probably be the greatest matchup in the history of the High Rollers Tournaments. There will be no talking, high-fiving, or trash-talking during the match. Just silence. Some would say it’s a mutual respect. I would say it’s cold-blooded killer mode for both of them. Loser has to rock the other one’s haircut for a month. Chris’s HRT dry run continues as Josh eeks out a victory in the third game. Maybe with a last ball hundo.

#7 Scooter vs #15 Nichole

How in the world did Nichole Boone make it this far in the tournament? And is it true or a rumor that these two used to do the nasty? Maybe I just made that up. Haha. Goofy Grin Boy doesn’t deserve to win this match due to his ridiculous love of Virginia Tech – what the hell is a hokie? – but in fact he does win it and finds himself in the Final Four.

#6 Ehren vs #19 Dawn

I Wonder if Ehren has ever Cockered Dawn. Haha. I’m funny because i turned their names into a sex comment sort of. Can you tell I’m getting tired of writing this thing? Ehren wins. Moving on.

FINAL FOUR

#1 Mark vs. #4 Gatskee

I refuse to call him the Great Gatskee, but that’s exactly how he’s going to roll on Saturday. Josh upsets everyone’s bracket by knocking StatMan out in two straight games!

#6 Ehren vs. #7 Scooter

I’d like to pick WonderBoy here. But something is telling me not to. Maybe it’s that stupid “Call Me Maybe” tank top he keeps wearing. Scooter advances.

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

#4 Gatskee vs. #7 Scooter

Well this is quite the exciting matchup we have here. Not. Josh manhandles Scooter in three straight games and finally claims his first HRT title. He then proceeds to have a few beers and continues his celebration by going on a shopping spree which includes such fancy items as a new Fedora, a cheese grater, and some cat food.

THE END