[Editor’s note: Each skeeson I choose a skeelebrity to write their predictions for the High Rollers Tournament. This person is granted a cloak of anonymity so that he/she may say whatever they desire without fear of backlash by their fellow rollers. Keep in mind, if you got zing’d or made fun of, it probably means the author likes you. So take it all in good fun and enjoy the read!]
We’re 24 hours away from Season XVIII Super Saturday, so it’s time to start thinking about the HRT bracket–key match-ups, probabilities, statistics, psychology, chance and above all guts and gut feelings. We’ll soon crown a new Queen or King of Skee in the Queen City, so lets stop being polite and start getting real.
I’ve been huffing gas and drinking malt liquor so this might come out a little wavy, but not as wavy as Ricky’s hundo rolling (snare/hi-hat), nor nearly as wavy as the hair Roddy used to have(low blow, rumor has it his eggs are just as smooth as his noggin), [Ed’s note: ain’t no shame in manscaping!] and I’m not as high as JV’s self esteem, or nearly as messy as West, so hopefully you feel me when I skip most of the first round match-ups, and try to focus on what matters–FIRST ROUND UPSETS:
There will be 2 first round matches that everyone’s gonna wanna check out.
The first is the Tutone showdown, pitting newlywed Lindsay, 18 seed, against her sweet sister Jane, 15 seed. Lindsay is coming off a knee injury, but she’s been getting it on the regular from a former HRT winner, H-town, so let’s just say I think her game will have just enough spunk to upset lil’ sis.
The other first round match to watch will be 14 seed, Jackson, taking on 19 seed Amanda (his wifey’s cousin). Amanda’s got the summer off, and Jackson’s got newborn Max at home–these, I’m sure, aren’t the only reasons, but may have had some bearing on Amanda’s impressive rookie season, and Jackson’s lackadaisical mediocrity. Amanda takes down the ol’ Skeesor, with some 50s mixed into what is sure to be 40 heavy match. [Ed’s note: Wow. I agree this is a great matchup, but no way Jackson loses in the first round. Not happening.]
Don’t be so disappointed, Jim. I would’ve written something about your match with AK, but a few lucky hundos aren’t going to defeat the AK40. Same story with Crystal & Big Mike–there is no story, Big Mike has won it before, even Obama doesn’t have enough hope to help Crystal advance. . .Jeez, I gotta focus.
ON TO ROUND 2:
Round 2 will be pretty damn unceremonious. Craig beats Jeremy. AK and Roddy waste everyone’s time(I have great respect for AK, but it’s always Roddy’s to lose–always, sparks might fly, there’s potential, sure, my upset meter is at a 4, I digress,not noteworthy). Ricky defeats Lindsay. Kitten paws Ashley(sorry Katie H, you lost in the 1st round). Hammer beats the Axe(if he even shows). [Ed’s note: Wrong Kevin. Gambler aka “Axe” didnt even play this skeeson! Kevin Baker is the Kevin listed on the bracket….and don’t sleep on him!] JV handles Amanda in a way West never could. . .with hundos, minds out of the gutter folks! West is coming off a huge playoff game against Alyssa’s team, where her game was suspect and he averaged 40+, otherwise I might have spent more time on their match.
That leaves the 2nd round must see match-up–Stu vs Big Mike. Stu has not proved a confident tournament contender in the past, so he’s got something to prove. Big Mike is like the Bermuda Triangle, you’ve heard the rumors, but you’ll never know they’re true until you’re swallowed up and are sipping sea water daiquiris with Amelia Earhart. It’ll be close, definitely one to watch, could go extra innings. Here’s to Stu putting up a strong showing, but unless the bank is closed, Big Mike advances. Too bad that’s as far as his Big Mike heart will get him. . .to the QUARTER FINALS:
Somewhat telling that West is in the west side of the bracket, he beats Craig with 50s, a lot of them, probably a full 50, at least one. He’s peaking at the right time, and Craig just doesn’t have the power game to overcome, in what I’m coining, “The Nice-guy Showdown.”
As I mentioned earlier, Big Mike can’t get past Rowdy. That pits West against Roddy for the west bracket’s final berth(subtle foreshadowing, see how I did that?).
All the thrilling Quarterfinal action is going to happen in the East bracket, in the Northeast we have Ricky vs Kitten and in the Southeast, Hammer meets JV–these are both anybody’s game match-ups, all strong consistent high rollers.
Ricky has to be commended for stringing together an impressive season where-in he has led the charge to unseat Roddy and JV’s hundo domination. Well done, sir. And. . .goodnight sweet prince, Kitten, already a member of the elite cadre of HRT champs, is a hundo threat (Did you see her 900 at Blind Pig Wednesday? It was practice, but come on), and she rarely misses her marks up the middle. Ricky’s unconventional arm wagging approach may work for him on the day-to-day, but Super-Saturday is a reckoning, and let me be blunt(while smoking one), he’s going to miss far more hundos than he makes this Saturday.
That takes us to Mike “The Hammer” Howell meeting John “JV” Varvaro, in what is sure to be a close match. Hear me now and listen to me later–the winner of this game wins the HRT. These guys are close friends and extremely competitive (they have stepped to each other twice, both times over beer pong baseball, but fortunately have never come to blows). The Hammer is the defending Season XVII HRT Champ, but so far the coveted title has eluded Varvaro. It will come down to the wire, look for seeding and hundo strategy to play a key role in what will likely decide who takes home this season’s HRT hardware. THIS BRINGS US TO THE SEMI-FINALS:
Kitten vs Hammer and Rowdy Roddy vs West. Three past champions and the nicest guy in the ‘nation duke it out for Season XVIII supremacy.
Roddy vs West pits two 50 masters against each other with Roddy carrying a distinct hundo rolling advantage. West takes game 1 unless Roddy unholsters his hundo power, either way West takes game 2. That means either West has won, or the match is 1:1 and goes to a third game in which West puts up a 410, only missing on one 50, and Roddy steps up, hits three 50s quick, then misses 2 for 10s, swears out loud, hit’s another 50, so he’s at 220 with 3 balls to go, he has to hit 2 50s and a last ball hundo, but alas, misses said hundo, and loses with a 330. Vague predictions suck–West goes to the finals.
Kitten vs Hammer is a good read, good character development, some interesting plot points and twists, good names. Kitten blasted out 3 or 4 combos in week 8 to upset Hammer’s run at the combo crown, so he’s pissed. Chalice in Wonderland easily handled Rock, Paper, Skeesors in week 8, and are team playoff hopefuls, so she may harbor ill will. Its going to come down to Hammer’s 50 domination, and he’ll advance.
That brings us to an all Chalice in Wonderland HRT final. The Hammer will have to stay focused and probably have to roll at least 2 full 50s to contend. West will have to do the same. In the end its a mid-east love feast between these two, and it’s all up for grabs. I’m so effing stoned right now, I’m sticking with my earlier prediction and calling for back-to-back HRT titles for the Hammer.