[Editor’s note: Each skeeson I choose a mystery skeelebrity to make their predictions for the High Rollers Tournament. This person is guaranteed a cloak of anonymity as to protect him/her from the backlash of fellow rollers. Keep in mind, this is all in good fun. So if he/she made fun of you, it probably means they like you. Alright and with that, enjoy the Skeeson XIII High Roller’s Report!]
Greetings Skee ballers and skee chumps, its my honor to write this year high rollers report. Actually I didn’t want to spend my time writing this crap but Brian pulled out all the tricks. In typical UNC style he slid me envelopes of cash, dropped me a rental car an even had someone else write this for me. It was about as well done as a CJ Leslie poem or a Marvin Austin Afro-American studies paper so here I sit dazzling you with my words of wisdom.
How I’m supposed to predict this tourney after a cluster fuck of a skeeson is beyond me. Thursday nights have turned into a Candy-Crush-a-thon. There are about 11 people in this tourney and if the skeeson is any indication half of them might not even show up. Speaking of not showing up, did anyone see that ECU vs UNC game last week? I think the Pirates just scored again!
I digress, let’s get to the rat killing. Last skeeson, Gatskee finally broke through and won the fixed High Roller’s Tourney. Yea that’s right folks I heard it from a few of the top seeds that they felt so bad for Gatskee constantly losing they wanted to do something nice for him so they let him win. I guess i believe it too, how else would he have won? Can he win 2 in a row? *Spoiler Alert* No fucking way!
1 Mark vs Bye
Byes? Why the hell are there so many byes? Come on people do your damn jobs and find some friends to play skeeball. Preferably, young, hot, and brunettes. Am I right TJ? [Editor’s note: Amen to young, hot, and brunette. Although apparently I have a sneaky redhead/strawberry blonde thing? Weird.]
17 Dustin vs 16 TJ
Speaking of TJ, a battle of two brochachos will surely be entertaining. It will be too early for Dustin to be blitzed out of his mind and too early for TJ to be in full bro-pimping mode, well its never too early for TJ but his harem of sleazies will still be making the walk of shame home by the time this match rolls around. When all is said and done TJ wins in 2 straight, Dustin storms outside to chain smoke his misery away.
9 Alek vs 24 Melanie
Dude, have ya’ll seen Alek lately? He’s been doing Insanity and is getting ripped, its likely he’ll probably be doing up-downs while rolling skeeball and staring at Melanie’s ass and still knock her out in 2. She will then get pissed and send Vicki to beat Alek up rendering him useless for the next round.
25 Becca vs 8 Katie Connors
Becca has crazy potential and with a little hard work and determination she can be very good. While Katie is one of the few females who have steadily gotten better over time and has taken the crown as best female roller in Raleigh even despite her recent vacation for the Eastern European gang-bang. All orgy jokes aside, put a little pressure on KGC and anything can happen. I think she’ll still win but we are all just hoping they make-out on the lanes after the match. [Ed’s note: !!!]
5 WCB vs 28 Matt
I like Matt but rookies rolling in their first HRT usually don’t fair too well. The pressure of rolling against one of the top seeds is too much for just about any rookie to overcome. While WCB might only be the #5 seed because the skeeson is lacking any star power, he’s good enough to smoke Matt in 2 straight.
21 Tiff vs 12 Craig
This match is all about Craig. A rookie ranked #12 is unheard of in SkeeNation’s storied past. I looked it up in the archives (read: asked Farrell) and he’s confirmed that no rookie has ever cracked the top 12 seeds going into the HRT so Craig has done something special. No doubt he’s had a great season and we all applaud him for that but he’s a rookie, rookies choke. Craig proceeds to choke on a fat one and Tiff, a seasoned roller, takes him down in 3 for our first upset of the tourney.
13 Wheeler vs 20 Brent
I barely know Wheeler but I know enough to know 3 things 1) Fri-Sunday he’s the drunkest dude in Raleigh 2) He says he doesn’t care about skeeball and 3) He actually cares about skeeball. Even after a few breakfast shots and a motivational speech from his captain Gatskee, the upsets continue and Wheeler loses to Brent in 3.
29 Wild Card vs 4 Scooter
So this is like every year in the NCAA tourney where the “play-in” game winner goes in vs a #1 seed and just get plain smoked. No matter how many times they play, they’ll never win. Luckily for us this isn’t basketball and this year will be the first time in SkeeNation history where the wild card winner upsets one of the top seeds and moves on to the second round. That’s right folks, I’m predicting Tim slides out of the Wild Card Tourney into the HRT and knocks off the mighty Scooter. Upset City, you heard it hear first. [Ed’s note: Wow. have you seen Tim’s scores this skeeson?]
2 Gatskee vs Bye
Byes. Byes suck. [Ed’s note: Not all of them. Case and point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-KmOd3i7s]
18 Stone vs 15 LE
Let’s be real here. Does Stone even know where Isaac Hunter’s is? Someone check his Life Alert, maybe he’s fallen and broken a hip. Let’s assume for the sake of this write-up that Stone actually wakes up on some skanks couch and stumbles into Isaac’s in time for his match against one of his “favorite people” Leigh Ellen. *Pro Tip* Everyone is one of Stone’s “Favorite People.” At this point we can assume Stone will have only bought 43 shots for the 6 people in the bar and still be relatively sober but it doesn’t matter LE is flat out a better roller and smokes Stone in 2.
10 LHP vs Alex W
What are the odds we have two Alex W’s playing skeeball? I don’t even know who the hell either of them are anyway but it doesn’t matter. LHP is ruthless. I will guarantee she and her boy toy have been up at Isaac’s at some point practicing this week. She doesn’t like to lose and it doesn’t matter which Alex W shows up they are losing in 2. LHP moves on.
26 Meder vs 7 CT
Ah the mysterious CT. Seemingly everyone of these high roller reports, for some stupid reason, picks CT to win. Well not this guy. If DK even lets him show up, CT is going down early. I really want to project CT to lose in the first round but Meder’s scores have been horrific. Come on girl! Let’s assume for a second those tits aren’t getting in the way, hasn’t Vicki been coaching you up? There has been some epic sucking going on and some bad rolling. Meder has carded a 183 and that alone is enough to show me she’s got no hope of beating CT. Ct in 2. [Ed’s note: Don’t sleep on Meder. I’m not saying she’s going to win, but she might sneak one game over on CT.]
6 Mikey G vs 27 Trevor
I’ll be honest I’m slightly disappointed in Trevor’s rolling this year, I really thought after last Skeeson he was ready to turn the corner and contend for a top 20 spot but he just can’t seem to find his 40. All it takes is a little practice kids, and you can learn from Mikey G. He was the epitome of suck when he started but a little practice and competitive fire and he is now the anchor that is keeping his team alive. Evan and Stone have barely been seen this season but Mikey G’s consistent rolling is the glue that keeps his team in contention. Mikey G banks trevor right out of the tourney in 2.
Capps 22 vs Nichole 11
What looks to be a blow-out on paper will actually be much closer than the experts think. Nichole was on pace to finally crack the top 5 this skeeson but has really sucked hard finishing her last 2 weeks barely breaking 300 and then throwing a 267 on top of that. Not good for a 1 time chalice winner. Maybe she’s been playing too many video games on her phone. Addict. Capps on the other hand has secretly been practicing (obviously without her teammate Trevor) and has steadily improved all skeeson. This match will go into overtime. The girls will split wins and tie a match but thankfully for Nichole she’s still got a slight advantage over Capps when it comes to hundos. Nichole wins in 4 and after is all hugs, panty slushies and pumpkin spice lattes for everyone. [Ed’s note: Haha.]
14 Vicki vs Bret 19
This is without a doubt the best first round matchup we have. It matches Vicki and her ginormous breasts vs Bret and his ginormous biceps. Not only that but these are probably the two most angry rollers in SkeeNation. [Ed’s note: Ummmm…Cory?] At any point one is libel to slug the other one and I’m not sure who I’d pick in that fight but in Skeeball this is all Vicki. I’m sure Bret was right there along with LHP getting some practice in this week but Vicki has been practicing all year and she’s focused. Lucky for them they’ll both be sober because unlike most people these 2 are wretched rollers when hammered but Vicki wins in 3 and Bret starts pounding beers while doing 1-armed push-ups.
3 Evan vs Bye
Bye Bye Bye
1 Stat Boy vs 16 TJ
Stat Boys first match of the day and its vs a seasoned Veteran and Chalice winner TJ. TJ grinds out a win on the first game but Stat Boy methodically calculates exactly what he needs to beat TJ in the second game and crushes him with Hundos in the 3rd.
9 Rad Russian vs 8 KGC
A battle of former teammates and secret lovers. Yep I’m breaking that news here whether its true or not the rumor of secret orgy’s in Rad Russian’s new bachelor pad is out there and I’m totally buying it. Maybe that’s the Insanity he’s been talking about. If these 2 can keep it in their pants long enough to actually roll the match it should be a good one. I think KGC wins with a bang. [Ed’s note: Nick and Norah. Finally, NICK AND NORAH!!!]
5 WCB vs 21 Tiff
WCB is too good of a roller to be distracted by Tiffany’s good looks and charm. He’ll be pounding Natty Bo’s dreaming of pounding a few other things and cruises to a victory in 2.
20 Brent vs WCW
Can the wild card winner keep it up? After doing the unthinking and upsetting Scooter in the first round can the WCW keep up the magic and move past Brent into the second round? Not a chance. Brent is hot and will clean house in this one as he wins in 2
2 Gatskee vs 15 LE
I’m not sure what to say here with all the midget jokes have been used and Gatskee having broken the streak by finally winning SOMETHING in skeeball, it’s getting harder to pick on the kid. Although, he still hasn’t won a Chalice and the HRT last year was essentially given to him because we all felt bad for a lifetime of skeeball without any trophies so there’s that. Despite what the people think, the little man is actually a nice guy but he’s had more near losses to lower seeds in the HRT than any skeeballer in history. And I don’t think that changes this year. It’ll be close but he’ll use his hundo-crutch to beat LE in 3.
10 LHP vs 7 CT
Well Wouldn’t it be a kick in the balls for CT to lose to LHP of all people and that is exactly what is going to happen. She’s going to whip him and then taunt the shit out of him with the obnoxious “Roll-tide” crap. LHP in 3. [Ed’s note: Interesting. I think almost every time this report is written, CT gets picked to win the whole thing. Yet he never has. Maybe by not picking him to win it, you’re reversing the curse. Question mark.]
6 Mikey G vs 11 Nichole
Nichole rides a weak bracket to this point but can’t skate by anymore. Her disappointing skeeson continues as Mikey G knocks her out in 2 straight.
14 Vicki vs 3 Evan
So somehow after missing half the season chasing lady-boys and “happy endings” around Asia, Evan is still a #3 seed. I’m pretty sure the SKeeO is cooking the books here, someone should investigate this shadiness. This match might provide us with arguably the second biggest upset in the HRT, Vicki is focused, Evan takes her for granted and gets knocked out of the HRT in 3. [Ed’s note: Solid pick. Don’t sleep on Vicki – she’ll pull out some hundos when she needs ’em! And she was the Hundo Shootout Champ a few skeesons ago.]
1 Stat Boy vs 9 KGC
Teammate vs Teammate. We are all still waiting for them both to choke but since that’s not possible the second and third best rollers on their own team battle it out with Stat Boy emerging victorious.
5 WCB vs 20 Brent
Brent’s epic run ends here. WCB is too good and slightly buzzed at this point as he drops Brent in 2 straight.
2 Gatskee vs 10 LHP
LHP is still busy bragging and taunting CT and on top of that adds in taunting her beau Bret for losing in the first round to a girl. She’s so distracted Gatskee stands on a stool, stares her down and drops her in 2.
6 Mikey G vs 14 Vicki
Vicki is on a high but she’s reached the end of her run here. Mikey G is too good and too consistent to lose this one. He beats her in 3 and motorboats her to top it off.
1 Stat boy vs 5 WCB
Stat boy gets the chance to make a clean sweep of his teammates and after carrying them all year he’s pretty confident he could beat WCB left-handed. He massively underestimates WCB and can’t calculate up a win here. WCB wins in 3 and blows his load over the lanes.
2 Gatskee vs 6 Mikey G
I got nothing, Gatskee wins. People Boo.
5 WCB vs 2 Gatskee
And here it is. The 2 loudest most obnoxious non-chalice winners. Both will sell their soul to win a chalice but WCB being more a me-first kind of guy really covets the HRT title and will stop at nothing to beat Gatskee. WCB loses the first one but punches a few paper towel holders, screams at Gatskee (and everyone else) and rallies to upset Gatskee. In celebration, WCB wipes his ass with Gatskee’s fedora, pisses on a UNC fan and flicks off the bar as he walks out with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. That folks is our HRT champion. Keeping it Classy.