[Editor's note: Every skeeson I choose someone to write the High Rollers Report. This person gets to write under complete anonymity so he/she can write whatever he/she wants and not worry about consequences. Here we go kids. Here we go.]
Alright skeebies. It’s the playoffs. It’s Wednesday. I’m drunk. Let’s go.
Round 1
#1 Duke (Skee Gen X) v [#32 Kirk (Nice Shoes, Wanna Skee?) or Wild Card Winner]
This is an easy one. Sorry kids. Duke tops this skeeson. He didn’t practice his hundo EVERY off-day of the week just to blow his load on the first round. He’s a former High Roller Champion too. Sorry. Duke wins. Big whoop. Sorry, Kirk. Your team rolled well in Week 8 and your shoes ARE nice, but nobody wants to skee.
#16 Mark (DJ Pauly Skee) v #17 El Jefe (SkeeFA)
This one is tricky. Mark can live and die by the hundo (and he mostly dies). But practice does help and he stays late almost every week. El Jefe is no slouch and maybe The Law pep talks his boy (beforehand, since he can’t be bothered to show up for Super Saturday…). A couple hundos fall for Mark and his Yankee hat wins.
#8 Sarah “The Dozen” Baker (Covergirls) v #25 Jason (Skeet er Done)
Sarah is one of the friendliest people in the league. I don’t even know what to taunt her about. She is just cool like that. But that said, The Dozen is a killer. Stone cold. Don’t let her charm fool you, kids. Jason, you finished strong (290 or better in 3 of the last four matches), but The Dozen is bakin’ brownies just for you. It’s rainin’ 40s and you ain’t got no umbrella, homie.
#9 Mike the Mouth (Skeet er Done) v #24 Becca (Sweet Baby Skeesus)
Here come the rookskees. Mike, you and Scotty get the weekly shout outs and you had a sweet start this skeeson. Much respect for coming out strong. But this is the High Rollers Tournament and everything changes. Becca is a skeesoned veteran and she’s been here long before you. She’s gonna roll a 34 out of nowhere. What are YOU gonna do? Just when you think you have her beat, she drops a game-changing hundo. I’m callin’ the upset here. Sorry Mouth, your tongue just got cut by the Fratellis.
[Ed's note: This match perplexes the ever-loving sh*t out of me. Good luck to both.]
#5 Ehren “Wonderboy” Link (Cataskeena) v #28 Alek (Big Lebowskees)
Ok Wonderboy, it’s roll time, what t-shirt are you gonna wear? Another longtime HRT veteran, WB brings that classical sauce. Will he drop trow and squeeze out a Cleveland steamer? Maybe in the next round, but unless Alek finds his 40 in a big way, he’s gonna lose like Wonderboy’s weekly picks.
#12 Jose (Skeechers) v #21 Jeremy (867-5SKEE09)
I like this matchup. I really do. Jose came through in a monster way last skeeson by making it to the FINALS of the High Roller Tourney. Jose has shown he can hit the hundo and this skeeson he has found his 40. Jeremy can surprise you with that same game too though. Don’t sleep on his skills. Jeremy jumps out on Jose to start, but Juan Valdez (read: Jose) downs his coffee (read: beer) and wins in 3. Juan immediately heads back to the beer pong table for his turn as the crew there is now yelling at him for a delay of game. He and his teammate Jeremy have never lost. Ever.
[Ed's note: There's some controversy on that last statement there. Apparently Dana and El Jefe (SkeeFA) beat Jose and Jeremy in the finals of the beer pong tourney last skeeson. Apparently. Jose and Jeremy say it didn't happen.....Dana swears by it. Rematch?]
#13 Shanna “O’Face” O’Donnell (Dynaskee) v #20 Scooter (Skeebaggers)
Scooter is in top form right now having averaged just over 300 in the last 3 weeks of play. O’Face hides behind a sweet smile and endless charm, but she is an assassin. Her skeemates CT and DK get much of the press, but Shanna gets the shots. She plays this tourney every skeeson and is among the steadiest, most consistent rollers around. Get her drunk, beat her in Silverstrike, call her monkey a name, it won’t matter. Shanna brings the mid-30s in the playoffs. It’s gonna be close, but O’Face always has her 40 and rolls on.
[Ed's note: I heart Shanna. Like I would jump in front of a bus for her. However, I would never bet money on her in a one on one skeeball situation (situation!). Scooter advances, Shanna shrugs her shoulders, laughs, and heads to the bar.]
#4 Mr. Burgundy (Skee Gen X) v #29 Panda (Sweet Baby Skeesus)
This one SHOULD be a cakewalk for Mr. Burgundy. He is a skeeball whore and these lanes rule his world. He is the reigning High Roller Champion so he knows how to bring it. That being said, he can totally roll like a whale’s v*gina. Take that how you want to. I doubt Burgundy blows this one, but it’s the playoffs. Panda is no slouch at all though. A few skeesons ago, I would have picked him for the upset here. If he gets enough beer in him early, he could blackout and still lose just the same. Mr. Burgundy advances.
#6 Evan “Rock” Roberts (DJ Pauly Skee) v #27 Spencer (Kelly Kapowskees)
Someone told me that Evan now has his own skeeball machine at home. I’m lookin’ at his scores from the past few weeks and this is bull$hit. He is rolling over a 350 avg since Week 6!! Obviously, practice is payin’ off, but I’m not writing off Spencer that easily. But Spencer, you’re gonna need that hundo to fall. I HATE the Jersey Shore, but Evan fist pumps his way into the 2nd round. Of course, he could also fall apart under the pressure and risk of the hundo….
#11 Babuskee (H.I.Skee Positive) v #22 Jim (Big Lebowskees)
Jim rolled his ass off to finish the skeeson (317 in Week 8!!) but Babuskee has returned from some time off and makes this game look easy. Maybe Jim doesn’t roll on Shabbas, but even if he shares a needle, he won’t catch the H.I.Skee.
[Ed's note: What are shabbas? Regardless, Babu is going to the Final Four. Mark it.]
#14 The Great Gatskee (867-5SKEE09) v #19 Kristin (SpiderMonskees)
This will be a good matchup. Kristin anchors the lovely SpiderMonskees and Gatskee kinda anchors his team (to the ground). I don’t get it though. The guy has been here every skeeson and has a nickname, but it’s like he is the new Farrell. Gatskee, don’t get saddled with that tag. You’re a veteran. Pick a damn hand and stay with it. Kristin is gonna bring the 40s, but when the music fades, Gatskee squeaks out a final note to advance. Definitely watch this one.
[Ed's note: Rumor has it KB is out of town this weekend. Gatskee advances and goes into the second round cold. Which is not a good thing by the way.]
#3 Chris “CT” Smith (Dynaskee) v #30 Wes (Skeetuation)
Here comes the playoffs, man. CT is a straight machine. He wants to prove something to Skee Gen X too. He is determined and his road starts here. Get out of his way. CT wins. Sorry Wes, you can’t live off Skeeson 1 glory forever.
#7 Scotty the Body (Kelly Kapowskees) v #26 Dan (Show Me the Monskee)
Another rookskee here. Scotty (I’m not calling him The Body) gets weekly love *pause*, I mean weekly press from Farrell and his skeemails. He’s very good. Dan is also tops on his own team, but Scotty has only rolled under 310 once this skeeson while Dan has yet to break 300. The Rookskee of the Year (Scotty) takes this one, people.
#10 Danielle “DK” Kushner (Dynaske) v #23 Scoop (H.I.Skee Positive)
Ok, here it is. In the past, a bunch of people have claimed to be ‘scared’ of DK because of her steady 40s. She’s good. Very good even. Every week too. But scared?! WTF Raleigh! Nut up. DK got game, but she isn’t a shoo-in to win here. Scoop rolls well and DK has been experimental this skeeson. DK wins, but this is a scare. Consider yourself on notice, DK. Hah!
[Ed's note: sound the upset alarm. DK chokes, Scoop upsets.]
#15 J Web (H.I.Skee Positive) v #18 Dawn “DMC” Cocker (Skeetuation)
Wow. Web has found his game in a major way. A 311 in Week 7 and a 325 in Week 8?! THAT’s how you get ready for the playoffs. Dawn is another veteran though and well seasoned in the playoffs and previous HRTs. Numbers suggest this to be an upset since DMC has been quiet this skeeson, but this is no upset. She knows how to ‘bring is up to Gawd” in the playoffs. Dawn takes this in a close 3.
#2 Big Play Ray (Skee Gen X) v #31 Sean Carroll (Nice Shoes, Wanna Skee?)
Brett Fav-rah… er, Big Play Ray has shown me something this skeeson. It’s easy to look at Skee Gen X and the reps of TWO former High Roller Champions in El Duke and Mr. Burgundy and think that BPR is the weak link. Not true. Maybe coming to the Bassment to practice on the hundos every week has paid off. Brett…er, BPR is the glue to this team and no change here. Peace out, Sean. Stick around and have a beer with us though.
[Ed's note: I really don't see the Brett Favre thing everyone keeps mentioning. Like not at all. Regardless, Ray is on a mission and I wouldn't be surprised if he wins the whole thing. Mark it.]
2nd Round
#1 El Duke v #16 Mark
I’m rooting for the major upset right here. But it’s not gonna happen. Duke shreds hundos like Emeril shreds cheese. His AVERAGE is nearly double that of Mark’s. Mark can make Duke sweat if he rolls a few hundos right off the bat. He has to put the pressure on El Duke if he expects to steal this one. But in the end, El Duke is too good. He lines up (and blocks BOTH lanes) and rolls into the Elite 8. Mark is tanked by now anyways, so he doesn’t even care.
[Ed's note: No. No. No. Vice versa. El Duke is going to make Mark go first. If Mark can roll a 340+ up the middle, Duke has to roll three hundos. Pressure is on El Duke. People forget that the HRT is a best of 3. If hundo rollers F up one round, they're in trouble. Expect some upsets big time on Saturday.]
#8 The Dozen v #24 Becca
Oh how I love these matchups between friends. These lovely ladies know each other well. They will do their girly thing and cheer for each other, but I said it before; The Dozen is a killer. Becca (she must be Irish) backs down from nobody and she will roll well enough to win, but The Dozen busts out a Full 40 and wins in 3. I’ll be watching this matchup just so I can steal a hug from both victor and loser. So really… I win.
[Ed's note: Ha. Fact.]
#5 Wonderboy v #12 Jose
Wow. Now THIS is a 2nd round matchup. I tell you right now too, Wonderboy does not approve of this at all. Jose ran his way to the High Roller Tourney finals last skeeson and is absolutely capable of doing it again. However, this skeeson, Jose has gone hybrid, rather than straight hundo. That could hurt him against Wonderboy. If that beerpong table is not already rockin’ and rollin’, watch out. Jose is gonna be focused. If beer pong IS going strong, well, Wonderboy will squat to the floor, do his dorky tri-five thing and drop a handful of hundos. Jose stumbles from beer pong to skeeball, belches, and does his thing. Unfortunately, his thing is throwing ping pong balls into cups. No worries, man, you’ll be back on that table in no time. WB moves on.
[Ed's note: WB chokes. Jose moves on.]
#4 Mr. Burgundy v #13 O’Face
Mr. Burgundy is actually somewhat of a sleeper this skeeson, believe it or not. He is the reigning HRT Champion, but he is dead last on his team average-wise this time. He has been streaky like Wil Farrell in Old School, but when he is on, you better hit your hundos. O’Face makes her living up the middle and can hit the occasional hundo, but that style won’t cut it if Burgundy is firing on all cylinders. That is a big IF though. Burgundy can just as easily self destruct and blow it.He gets heckled enough as it is, but if he gets bounced this early, oh man, he is gonna be PISSED. O’Face puts the pressure on Burgundy, but he hammers those hundos and moves on. Kata watches her man silently from the side. Is she plotting something? I do not know.
[Ed's note: I love Kata.]
#2 Big Play Ray v #18 DMC
Brett Fav-rah is a beast this skeeson. He is locked into that hundo and it’s not easy to get inside his head (read: thick skull) as many have tried. Maybe a hug from Jeffrey the Monkey can do the trick. I think not. DMB might try to show a little leg, but Bret…er, Ray does the same thing he has done all skeeson and obliterates the hundos. DMC doesn’t care though as she still has drinks out of a Champion’s Chalice. Whatchou know about that, Ray?!
#7 Scotty v #10 DK
This is a big matchup. It shouldn’t be happening this early either. Danielle has been working on some different strategies this skeeson and her focus has been team over herself. Don’t even look at the #10 tag though. You won’t find a tougher seed. Scotty, the 2nd round doesn’t make you a Skeenderella, but this is why the games are played. DK will cheer you on when you roll well, but when it’s her turn, she is intensely focused on doing her job. DK wins, but this is no upset. But no, I am still not scared of her.
#6 Evan v #11 Babuskee
I said this earlier, but apparently Evan has his own machine now. Clearly it’s not collecting dust either. He is rolling out of his gourd right now, but it’s because of the hundos. Well, you live by the hundo, and you die by the hundo. Babuskee is a steady stream of 40s too. The hundos avoid Evan and Babuskee frees up the rest of his Saturday and then encourages him to hit the batting cages. 4Square shows Evan Roberts checking out. Again, stats call this an upset, but I do not. Babuskee has been here before.
#3 CT v #14 Gatskee
This one could actually be quite interesting. Gatskee and CT are friends and big Yankee fans. It’s no secret that Gatskee likes to heckle too and he does it with the best of them. Well, he is gonna have to if he expects to rattle CT. Gatskee is in over his head here (which isn’t much…what is he, like 4’10”?!) (sorry GSkee, too easy). Nah, CT is on a mission to prove himself and unseat these Skee Gen X monsters. Gatskee starts like SkeeSkee Sabathia, but CT is the closer here. CT wins. Gatskee poses by the Elvis statue.
Quarterfinals
#1 El Duke v #8 The Dozen
Duke lives by the hundo and he lives well. Like Playboy Mansion well. The Dozen will roll the Full 40s as good or better than anyone, but to beat Duke, you need that hundo. If they are falling for Duke, he cruises easily. He is gonna take this one, but savor it, Duke as it’s about the last victory Ohio is gonna have for a while.
#4 Mr. Burgundy v #5 Wonderboy
I love it. Matchup of the tourney right here. These hundo whores are former skeemates and have as much post-skeeson experience as anyone can. Wonderboy hasn’t won a HRT, but he has been in the mix. This could be a legit final any other skeeson too. It’s gonna go 3 intense games and there will be a lot of hundos. They both feel the pressure too. Burgundy doesn’t roll like a whale’s vagina, but Wonderboy manages just enough to steal the upset. More tri-fives and plenty of intense glares at the machines happen.
#2 Big Play Ray v #10 DK
Fav-rah…er, BPR (god, I can’t stop doing that!)is hitting hundos like Tiger’s wife hits SUVs. Hard and repeatedly. DK rolls like a High roller but it isn’t enough to take down #2. The hundos rule again.
#3 CT v #11 Babuskee
Babuskee is impressing all of us at this point. Well, by “all” I mean everyone who wasn’t rolling in Skeeson 1. Babuskee was among the best back then and brought serious game every week. He has returned and brought that same level of competition (anchoring his team to the playoffs), but this is the skeeson is the Rise of the Hundo. It’s gotten out of control, and from what I have heard, it’s going to be completely different next skeeson. But that’s irrelevant right now. CT is pumped like his boy Tim Tebow and his mission is to piss on Skee Gen X’s parade. He’s had a lot of beer too. CT takes the hit and gets one step closer to his goal.
[Ed's note: Babuskee dominates. Mark it.]
Final 4
#1 El Duke v #5 Wonderboy
So we are down to 4. And all 4 are exclusive hundo rollers. Shocker. These guys have been a huge leap ahead of everyone else this skeeson (Burgundy is in this crowd too). Maybe it’s the endless practice (yeah, we talkin’ bout PRACTICE). I am personally tired of the hundos by now, but one cannot doubt the risk of going for them. They are usually feast or famine and this will be an impressive (read: boring) match. WB and Duke know exactly what to expect and both will come ready to step up, but Duke has shown himself to be virtually unstoppable on either lane. Wonderboy will absolutely make Duke work for the win, but soon enough, Duke allows Wonderboy to get his mind back to the playoffs. What a nice guy.
[Ed's note: For the record, there's no way there are four hundo rollers in the final four. Fact. Live by the hundo, die by the hundo. One 90 or 180 and that person is F'd. Juuuussst sayin'....]
#2 Big Play Ray v #3 CT
This is another exciting but boring matchup. Both of these guys own the hundo (and again, its really NOT easy and very high risk), but at this point, seeds don’t matter much at all. The winner is who has the Hundo Hand. BOTH of these guys have rolled as high as 72 (are you f-ing kidding me?!) too. This will be a battle. I can’t bear to have the finals dominated by Skee Gen Xers, so Ray’s run comes to a heartless halt at the goal line. CT pulls a solid shocker and enters his first High Roller’s final.
Finals
#1 El Duke v #3 CT
Well, this is a worthy final. It should be a great one too. Duke ran away with the league’s top average (a sickening 55.7) and assumes the High Roller’s Trophy already has his name etched into it. He already has one and wants to be the first multiple winner in Raleigh. CT has changed his throwing style from 40s to hundos much like Tim Tebow has. Now can he do it when it counts? All bets are off in the best of 5 war. Skee Gen X has just massacred the competition so the crowd will likely be behind the underdog, CT. This is a solid Yankee/Red Sox rivalry too. Which team will show up? Will it be Duke’s Red Sox which won the 1st 9 games against the Yankees last year? Or will CT’s Yankees finish strong like they did in winning the final 9 games against the Red Sox? Can I add any more ridiculous analogies? Well, taunting will be tolerated, heckling will be handled, and the hundos will be hammered. The smoke will eventually clear and when it does, skeeball history will be made. 3 of the top 4 rollers come from Skee Generation X, including the regular season leader. They have had a historical statistical run too. But the best roller in Raleigh belongs to Chris “CT” Smith. Stolen like home plate. Wow. Yes. That. Just. Happened.
And now we drink.
**Special Note**
I’d like to give a special shout out to Wendy “The Sniper” Brooslin, Adam “AT” Thompson, Patrick “The Law” O’Shea, and Dave “Symbol” Winans. Farrell gets bat-shit crazy over Super Saturday and none of you are rookskees. This is gonna be the biggest one ever and there is even gonna be TAILGATING!! Yet, you guys decide to blow it off for things like “family” and “work”. Pppfffttt. Whatever. I had you all losing in the 1st round anyways.
Super Saturday doesn’t fit into your schedule. Your schedule fits into Super Saturday.
[Ed's note: Ha. I f*cking love it. Your schedule fits into Super Saturday. That quote is going into the archives f'sho.]
