The Great Gatskee’s Gaffes, Gambles, and Guesses

by Farrell on June 2, 2010

[Editor's note:  Apparently Skeeson V starts tomorrow.  Yikes.  Anyways, each skeeson a skeelebrity volunteers to make weekly picks and comments about that week's matches.  In Skeeson III, Mr. Burgundy did the deed and had a blast pissing off half the rollers.  In Skeeson IV you were all welcomed to WonderBoy's World as he had a less than impressive pick percentage, but some very humorous weekly insight.  And this skeeson we give you The Gatskee.  Keep in mind this is like 99% for entertainment value, so if he makes fun of you it means he likes you.  Enjoy!  PS   Next week the Vegas spreads will begin.]

[Ed's note #2:  We had to make some schedule adjustments, so disregard if some of these matches don't mesh 100% with the schedule.]

Raleigh, Raleigh, Raleigh, where have you been all my life?  Skeeson Vee kicks off right about now and if you are a veteran, welcome back from a short off-skeeson.  If you are a rookskee, welcome to the beginning of your new life.  Take off your jackets, kick off your shoes, crack open a beer (or pour a glass of Andre) and get comfortable in your new home away from home.  This is already an epic skeeson and we are thrilled to have you partake.  Allow me to introduce myself….

I am The Great Gatskee.  My birth name is Josh, but I have taken this name, or rather this name has taken me.  I am a veteran of this skeeball league.  As long as skeeball has been in Raleigh, I have been rolling the balls *pause* Er… well, you don’t need to know much about me.  We’ll get to know each other over the next few months or so.  The most important thing is that I am extremely loyal to the Raleigh Skeeball League.  So, by extension, I am loyal to all of you.  You also need to know that I lie a lot.  No I do.  I tell lies all the time.  Really, I do.  Sometimes, I’ll tell a lie in an empty house.  I know, not what you expect from a first impression.  I’m also very honest, so it’s cool.  Yeah, so right off the bat, take my words with a grain of salt (a lot of grains actually).  This all comes into play as I will be telling you all ahead of time who is going to win each match this skeeson.  This is kind of a big deal too.  See, the last 2 rollers who have taken on this job have basically sucked.  Ok, that was a lie (see what I mean?).  They did a good job, but I’m just saying I can do better than their sub .500 records.  Well, ONE of them broke .500… but barely.  Nah, those guys did well.  Maybe they just spent more time looking at their own reflection in their Champions Chalices.  I’m just saying the bar has been set high enough for a Hobbit high jump.  Time will tell.  I could end up worse than both and then I’ll have to change my name to The Eh, I Guess He’s Sorta OK Gatskee.  Believe me too, those guys will be watching each blown pick of mine and keeping track of percentages.  Don’t you worry guys, I’ll make you proud (or angry).  This skeeson will be especially difficult as almost half the teams are rookskees and the rest have been decided via a Skeeball Draft. Now let me tell you kids, ALL of the teams are quite talented.  There are no front-runners and no bandwagons to jump on.  I love a challenge.

Now, if I happen to offend you, call you out, or make you unhappy, just relax.  First of all, I’m probably lying anyways so what do you care?  Second, nothing’s personal, so just roll it out, prove me wrong (though you will likely prove me right) and tell me in person.  We’re gonna have a lot of fun with this, ladies and gentlemen; which is perfect because I have already told like 24 lies.  Oh, and if you haven’t seen the Lost Finale, the Island is Hurley’s dream.  Oops.
Welcome to The Great Gatskee’s Gaffes, Gambles  and Guesses!

Week 1

Bye- Skeeno 911 & Jason/Jenny/Sara**

Quick comment here.  Good thing this isn’t a matchup.  Skeeno 911 is Wonderboy’s squad and they should be a solid team.  Now, there already is a Jim on the team, but I consider Wonderboy to be Lt. Jim Dangle… for one thing, they dress alike :-)

Jason/Jenny/Sara – first thing in skeeball is you can’t have a 3-headed monster.  The first step to respect is to get yourself a cool name. Do it.  Use these extra few days wisely, my friends.
**Update: They listened!!  Jason/Jenny/Sara, I now crown thee Skee6Mafia.  Gangsta!!!

6:30

Lane 1 – Skeed Marks vs Burgundy’s Team

Alright, here we go.  Starting off Skeeson V is a rookskee team vs a team with a horrible name.  Burgundy is not to be taken lightly though.  Former MVSkee and High Roller Champion, dude has trophies and many mustaches with it.  He has talent behind him too.  Jeremy is a skeesoned vet who can rock the hundo and Jessica wears a hat really well. Skeed Marks, you’re gonna have to come out strong and fast to take down Mr. Burgundy. I’m rooting for you guys, but Burgundy gets up for these matches like wood in the morning.  The first win of the skeeson goes to Burgundy’s Team.  Congrats. Get a name now.

Lane 2 – Rollin’ Tipskee vs PJ/Tracy/Stephanie**

Not bad, the skeeson begins with 2 members of the reigning champions Skee Generation X on opposite lanes.  This is another match-up of rooksees vs veterans.  Duke is much like Burgundy too.  Dude has trophy after trophy and the mouth to back it up.  He can take down a team nearly by himself when he is locked in.  It doesn’t bode well for another Triceratops Team in PJ/Tracy/Stephanie.  Start it right, kids.  Find yourself a name.  Make sure Skee is in it somehow, or some other skeeball vocabulary.  I WOULD love to see a rookskee team step out with a monster upset on week 1, but this won’t be it.  Nothing against you guys, but Duke might already BE at Lucky B’s practicing. Seriously.
Rollin’ Tipskee rolls to a Week 1 win.  Uday gets wasted.
**Update: PJ Tracy Stephanie shall now be officially recognized as That’s What Skee Said. Nice. Won’t change the result though. Sorry kids.

[Ed's note:  Seriously, Duke probably is up there practicing already.]

7:30

Lane 1 – It Stings When I Skee vs Geoff/Derek/Jesska

I do hope that CT’s team name isn’t the title of his autoskeeography.  It could be though.  But I am not making any judgements, nor spreading any rumors.  He is rollin’ with a pair of rookskee skeemates so this could be very interesting.  No one will question CT’s skills on the lanes, but does he have an inner Joe Girardi (World Series Champion Yankee manager)? We will see.  One thing in their favor is that Mark has an awesomely sculpted mustache.  That is a key to victory right there, man.  No joke.  They face another Triceratops too, and I have to say that I KNOW this team has creative talent.  You can learn a lot from unique name spellings.  Make me proud and brand yourselves, guys.  CT is an intense roller so I expect him to carry his squad to victory, but I will be scouting Geoff/Derek/Jesska so I can use you guys as my upset specials later on.  But for now, It Stings When I Skee aims right in the middle and takes the victory.

Lane 2 – I Skeed in the Pool vs Skeedazzled

Now THIS is what I’m talkin’ bout, Willis.  A matchup of branded teams.  Toilet humor too!  I Skeed in the Pool happens to be captained by yours truly, and I have enlisted 2 rising stars in Brandon and Mary G.  Mary won the Wild Card Tourney last skeeson, but was overshadowed by her Pops.  You had to be there for that awesome moment.  You should also be here for this awesome matchup.  It’s gonna be a battle.  Skeedazzled is captained by Wendy, AKA The Sniper.  She will forever be the original High Roller Champion of Raleigh, NC.  And she knows how to pick a squad too.  Leslie and Jackie both look primed for leaps and bounds over last skeeson’s debuts.  Now, there’s no telling if said leaps and bounds are the result of heavy drinking and trying to maintain balance, but that is a whole other prediction!!  This will be very close unless Skeedazzled falls prey to my shameless trash talking.  Cus, I WILL be talking.  And I predict it will work.  I Skeed in the Pool wins based in part on more disgusting name.

[Ed's note: True story - I recently spent a few days at the pool with two of the Skeedazzled girls attempting to convince them to change their team name to "vajazzled".  They weren't feeling it.  Unfortunately.]

8:30

Lane 1 – Skee. T. Phone Home vs Home Skeellets

Skee. T. Phone Home. I love it.  Can we get a team named Skeeses Pieces or Reese’s Skeeces so I can call it the matchup of the year?!  Sorry, I got excited a bit.  Home Skeellets, I dig you guys already too.  Welcome to the league, kids.  Your debut comes against the pimp of the league, Jose.  He is a wise captain beyond his mustache too and he even brought back a wandering skeeballer, in Brandy.  I say wandering because she didn’t retire, she just wandered away.  But she returns and with Denise (who I’m gonna predict to be Most Improved Roller this skeeson), this will easily be the most fun team in the league.  They will be good too.  I have a feeling that Home Skeellets aren’t to be slept on though.  They will show some skill, but when the last ball lands, the veterans are still standing.  Skee. T. earns their Reese’s Pieces with a week 1 victory.  But it will be a close one.

Lane 2 – Scotty the Body/David/Claire vs Casey/Scott/Cameron

Oh boy.  SkeeBA vs SkeeBA.  With both teams dropping the ball on names, I am in a state of flux.  Scotty the Body is the reigning Rookskee Of the Year and with a nickname like he has, he better earn it.  He is a captain now and with great power, comes great responsibility.  So now, I have to judge by names.  Scotty’s opponents have also signed a Scott (hmm maybe they knew about this match-up ahead of time. Nice!), but he has no nickname yet so Scotty the Body takes that round.  Alphabetically, Casey has to beat David and numerically, Cameron takes down Claire.  That leaves Casey/Scott/Cameron as the victors and opening their rookskee skeeson with a victory.  Now roll it out and make me proud!  But, like Scotty the Body, get yourselves a catchy name.  Build your pride!

9:30

Lane 1 – Backskeet Boys vs Skee-Ra, Princess of Power

This is gonna be violent.  I’m not sure a pop group can stand a chance against a barbarian.  They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but have you seen Skee-Ra’s sword??!!  How would dance moves play out?  Not even Kate Gosselin could dance her way out of this one.  Skee-Ra sows a little leg, that slices the $h!t out of the Backskeet Boys to take a rookskee victory in Week 1. I can’t wait to see these gals’ uniforms!  Next up, Conan the Librarian.

Lane 2 – Young Skeezy vs Skee Ninjas

Ready or not, here comes another awesome match that I am absolutely looking forward to.  Sarah Jane “The Dozen” Baker, leads Young Skeezy against Shanna “O’Face” and her Skee Ninjas.  Both of these teams were well crafted during the draft.  On Young Skeezy’s side, Mark T. (Derek Skeeter to some) is turning into an upper level roller.  He stays for late night skee every week (hint for you rookskees, BTW) and it is showing.  The Dozen only knows 40s too, so look out.  I also witnessed Erica dropping serious scores during late night as well, and I expect big things from her this time around.  On the other side, O’Face is as experienced as they come and she has a champion’s chalice to prove it.  She sees skeeball greatness in Alek and she pulled one of the steals of the draft.  Eric is a rookskee but he will fit in just fine.  The key here is drinkability.  O’Face has it better than most everybody.  I plan to watch every frame of this one and though Skee Ninjas will throw many stars, but Young Skeezy got that Thug Motivation and The Dozen is nicely refreshed from a trip overseas.  This one goes to the Go Gettas.  Young Skeezy.

[Ed's note: Light up the eyes, Tum-Tum!]

10:30

Lane 1 – Bottom Skeeders vs Carolina Blondskees

The draft changed skeeball is a major way. Talent is spread all over the place and picking a front runner is far from easy.  There is no sure thing by any means.  Everyone has a shot.  That being said, Carolina Blonskees might just be the team to watch.  Evan went ahead and got himself a skeeball machine for his garage and it is not just sitting there gathering dust.  I KNOW dude is practicing.  But good for him.  You shouldn’t be intimidated.  Besides, he just got beat by a 7 year old the other day.  That’s right. Seven. [Ed's note: see below for video.] He rolls with DMC and her Champions chalice from Skeeson 3 and Leigh-Ellen, who knows a thing or two about that garage skeeball machine.  They should be able to handle the rookskee Bottom Skeeders (who have chosen an awesome name! Seriously, I really dig it).  But nothing is a given in skeeball.  I have seen Evan collapse (usually when he rolls against me).  Can the Bottom Skeeders pull a major upset?  I submit no.  But I will be watching this one if for nothing else than to high five the rookskees for a worthy start to their campaign.

Lane 2 – Skeeting on Gen X vs Farrell/Dave/Stephanie

Alright, this match wraps up opening night in Skeeson V.  Hopefully you have read this far. I know.  A lot of what I do is very long (sorry, inappropriate). Mike the Mouth leads Skeeting against the SkeeEO, Mr. Brian Farrell and a pair of rookskees.  Mike made a serious run in the High Roller Tournament last skeeson and nearly pulled a historic upset.  He would have been the first rookskee to win the High Roller Tournament (Ok, check the stats for me on that).  But just as he was headed for victory, Big Play Ray cut his tongue out like the Fratellis.  Afterall, Mouth WAS a rookskee.  This time it is different.  He has a former skeemate of mine in Jeremy Baynes and a highly touted rookskee in Jessica George.  Plus, she made cookies for a free skee night.  High marks in Gatskee’s book.  But check it out.  Brian Farrell has done this longer than any of you cats.  And if nothing else, he knows how to craft a team.  He may have a pair of rookskees, but the moment you take him for granted, you lose.  And that is what happens tonight.  The hundos don’t fall for Mike The Mouth and even though Jeremy steps up in a big way, The SkeeEO finds his 40 and guides his skeemates to a big win in Week 1.  Silver Strike follows and he wins that too.  Mike the Mouth just goes back to getting wasted and won’t even remember this match tomorrow anyways, so it’s all good.

This is an awesome beginning to Skeeson V, guys.  We grow each skeeson too.  Big thanks to Lucky B’s for hosting us this skeeson too.  Thanks for comin’ out and I will see you skeebies next week.

-The Great Gatskee.

  • My Nephew is 8! big difference!
  • El Duke
    In the 2010 Skeeball draft, Evan selects...

    That kid is a natural!
  • The_Great_Gatskee
    Well, dont $h!t the bed now, son. I still picked you guys. Its on your shoulders to make it happen!
  • Mark1981
    aaaaaaand no Dozen for Young Skeezy in week one :(

    may have a good sub though
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