[Editor's note: WonderBoy finally got to the .500 mark last week, going 4 - 4 with his picks, bringing his total pick record to 8 - 13 after 4 weeks. Yawn. Wake me up when he starts picking more than half of these matches correctly.]
What’s in a number, Raleigh? Who. The Hell. Cares?! I HATE that saying so I’m spinning it the way I wanna! Behold…HERE’S what’s in a number…
.500 – WB’s pick percentage from last week. Not bad, right?! At least a wee bit better than the virtual vomit I’ve been spewing since Week 2. Here’s what pisses me off though: 867-5skee09 couldn’t manage to beat the Skee Amigas [Ed's note: update update update -- apparently skee amigas has officially changed their name to "Easy Skeezy Beautiful Cover Girls", which I've obviously shortened to just Cover Girls.] by just 10 or more points last week. They tied. They f*ckin tied!! After 10 frames and 540 skeeballs, both teams had the same damn score…You guys suck! Would have been, could have been, should have been 5-3 last week and not 4-4. Way to go d*ckheads!
116 – The score The Big Lebowskees beat the spread by last week. Big deal you say? Umm, yea it is!!! C’mon now! Here’s more suckas: THE OTHER TEAM WAS FAVORED! Whaaaaaaaaat?! The Dude beat the hell outta their opponent and their opponent was favored by (50)! Damn fine rollin’ rooks. Keep it up!
[Ed's note: Haha. Yeah Big Lebowskees! Jim emailed me this week with a schedule request and said "Good news,we had our first big win last Thursday! Just makin Wonder Boy's picks even worse (he voted against us)!" Hahahaha, good stuff Jim, good stuff indeed. Keep it up.]
1 – The number of delicious Miller Lites that The Law owes me for getting beat like a drum last week. Update: WonderBoy, 3. Law, 1. I won the beer. You got engaged. Way to steal the show punka$$. Why ya gotta one-up me?! Ok. I’m done now…Can I please, PLEASE call her Mrs. The Law?! (please)
And we’re walking…we’re walking…
“Vegas” is apparently upset with WB’s minor resurgence last week. (Emphasis on minor there Raleigh…calm yourselves.) “Vegas” is apparently upset because this week’s gonna suck a$$ for the one they call WonderBoy. In order to properly pick these matches this week, it’ll require sound research (read: shotgunned Miller Lites). It’ll require clever statistical comparisons (read: repeat Royal Flush Shots), and it’ll require an uncanny sense of trends (read: BLIND F*CKIN LUCK!). So here we go again Raleigh… Enjoy!
Bye – The Big Lebowskees
Mmmmmm, White Russians are delicious.
6:30
Lane 1 – Skeechers (-40) vs. Nice Shoes, Wanna Skee?
Right outta the gate, Vegas decides to punch me in the junk!! Thanks. That’s awesome… (I know, I know. “Enough with the references to your junk, WB. You’re making us all nauseous!”) Here’s why I’m pissed though. I STILL have no idea who the hell’s on Nice Shoes!!! And rather than ask for insider info from Farrell to figure this match out, I’m gonna bet solely on the Skeechers, regardless of the opponent. Hey fellas! Do me a solid and show me some Week 2 magic!! (I’m not explaining the Week 2 magic reference…check the webbie website for that shiznit) Skeechers teach Nice Shoes a lesson (See what I did there? Do ya? Umm, crickets, crickets…annnnnnd silence…splendid…), and they cover the spread and take home win #3.
Lane 2 – Skee Baggers vs. 867-5Skee09 (-90)
I’m not feeling creative here. Soooooooo… Skee Baggers have been hovering around 800ish. Fact. 867-5skee09 has the potential to roll in the mid- to hi-900s. Fact. What would you fools pick? Oh you would, would you?! Well so would I!! At least we have that in common… 867-5skee09 covers.
[Ed's note: After 5skee09 screwed you last week you're still sticking with them? No way they cover this spread. Skee Baggers don't win, but they cover for sure.]
**Side Note: Hey AT! Consider yourself called out by WonderBoy this week. Come get some yo! Loser buys a bucket in Week 6. Ya dig? Accept or decline via SkeeNation.com homie. (*cue the tumble weed across the dusty train tracks and cue Clint Eastwood somehow)
7:30
Lane 1 – Kelly Kapowskees vs. Skee Amigas (-40)
My pick here might be skewed by what my fellow roller and co-worker said to me yesterday afternoon. And I quote, “Hey WonderBoy! That’ll teach ya to pick against the Skee Amigas!! Oh and by the way, those pants make your a$$ look GREAT!” – Sara “The Dozen” Baker (Skee Amigas)…after her team covered the spread last week. (I may or may not have taken liberties with that quote there. But let’s be honest people, if you haven’t figured out yet that I pretty much make sh*t up whenever I want about whatever I want, then I got nuthin fo’ ya!) I’ve got a feelin about my boys on the Kapowskees here Raleigh. I’ve got a feelin they’re tired of me callin them out. I’ve got a feelin Week 5’s the week for these fellas. I’ve got a feelin, awwww screw it!… (Umm, can I say “screw” Farrell?)…I was gonna pick against The Doz and her squad of lovelies anyway. HA! (Hiiiiiiiii Sara Jane!). Kapowskees cover! Get you some!!
Lane 2 – Closing the Askeevement Gap vs. Skee Huggers (-15)
Holy sh*t balls! I HAVE NO FREAKIN IDEA on this one! Really Vegas? Really?! Do I flip a coin again? Possibly. Do I try to justify some random a$$ guess? Probably. I actually think this beauty is gonna come down to the 10th frame and quite possibly the last rollers for each squad. Ummm, since I have no idea who the hell rolls last for these teams… (Poor research assistants. What can I say?! F*ckin interns!) …I can’t try to pump someone up or break someone down so I’m gonna guess, based on facts, kinda. Fact. Brandon and Denise (Skee Huggers) have the highest two individual averages of anyone from either team. Case solved. Skee Huggers cover and snatch up the “W”. (Hehe…I said “snatch”)
8:30
Lane 1 – SkeeFF’s vs. SpiderMonkskees (-30)
Hiiiiiiiii SkeeFF’s!! WonderBoy loves ya ladies!! With that said, SpiderMonkskees win and cover! Sorry bout it… You’ll snag another match win this Skeeson, SkeeFF’s. I know it…just not this week. (*sigh) Hey Raleigh, if you’re not already FaceBook friends with Tara (SkeeFF’s) I suggest you friend her right away cuz after this, she’s gonna wreck me with paparaskee photos all over FB! Am I right, or am I right, Tara?
[Ed's note: Good call on friend requesting Tara. I've been meaning to mention that for weeks but keep forgetting. Also, I disagree on this pick. I love the SpiderMonkskees but after they barely missed the playoffs last skeeson, they haven't been the same. And if Ash and Tara are on point, it doesn't matter if Jeffrey the freakin' monkey is their third, they'll win this game. No offense to Kati and Shannon. I think?!?!?]
Lane 2 – SkeeFA vs. Sweet Baby Skeesus (-10)
Hmmmmm. I like this match for some reason. I’m gonna pick the dirty bastard wrong, but I like it. Hmmmmm. Is this the “GYPR” match of Week 5, NOT A CHANCE!! Ha! If you’re one of those peeps that reads the end of books first, you’ll know why. I mean seriously, check out the matches in prime time Raleigh!! Damn! Ok, back to the task at hand. Hmmmmm. I’m sayin this one depends on whether or not Sweet Baby has their third back. (What the hell is a “third back” WB?) If Stacy rolls, itty bitty Jesus wins and covers. If Stacy doesn’t, it’s a WB shot in the dizark. Either way, I don’t like this AT ALL, but I’m goin against my boys of SkeeFA. (Sorry fellas…I’ll buy ya a water when you get there Thursday) Sweet Baby Skeesus picks themselves up after last week’s Cataskeena BEAT DOWN and takes The Law and the boys to school. (See here’s the deal, Raleigh. Rubbin people’s noses in a prior week’s loss may seem like a d*ck thing to do, and it is, but Cataskeena’s my team, I write this sh*t, and I’m gonna say whatever the hell I want. Deal with it! …and by the way, the comment sections are open on the new website so blow me up there if you disagree/hate me/love me/want my digits/want to challenge me…and smile people!)
[Ed's note: Stacy??? Is she still playing? She's missed the last three weeks. And Sweet Baby completely sh*t the bed last week. So I'm obviously going with SkeeFA to cover and win this match. I just hope they can stay awake until game time as 8:30 is waaaayyyyy past their normal bed time!]
9:30
Lane 1 – Skeetuation vs. Show Me The Monskee (-2)
Ok. WTF Vegas?! You suck at life! A (-2) spread?! Really? REALLY?! These teams are so freakin close in comparison it’s ridiculous. I swear, if I lose this b*tch by a single digit margin, I’m punchin somethin in the Bassment. (No wait. That’s reserved for Shanna “O’Face” O’Donnell. She’s the Mike Tyson of The Bassment) Well, actually I won’t do anything about it at all…You caught me, Raleigh. Congrats! Anyway, whatever, and so on, furthermore, in so much as, to continue, as I was saying… thus far in Skeeson IV, Monskee has failed to beat The Skeetuation by more than (1) point in any week at all. Just that alone would be enough for me to pick “The Abs from Jersey Shore” but not so fast…I gotta pump someone up. Heyyyyyy DMC (Skeetuation). You remember last Skeeson? You remember your skeemates last Skeeson? You remember what you and your skeemates did last Skeeson? Show me somethin girl! The Skeetuation covers!
[Ed's note: Wow. You're sleeping on Keith and company? I'm not. Once again I'm arguing with your pick. Skeetuation is rusty after the break week and having a bye last week. Monskee all the way. Now give me my bucket!]
**And to drop a bomb on this biznatch. The 9:30pm, Lane 1 Match gets the WonderBoy STAMP for Week 5. As a reminder, this means I’ve guaranteed my call’s right. If I’m wrong, Show Me The Monskee gets to enjoy a bucket or a round of shots on WonderBoy.
Lane 2 – Dynaskee (-85) vs. Cataskeena Wine Mixer
Ohhhhhhhh boy Raleigh! Here we go!!! …I’d be excited as hell to just watch this match up, but I get to roll in the damn thing too!! Yippee a zeppelin! That should tell you somethin, don’t ya think?! And what should that tell ya? Huh? HUH? Oh yeah babay!! Grab a seat on the pool table. Get a bucket of beer. Grab a blankie and a pillow (hell I dunno…whatevs) Cuz here we go Raleigh! This is definitely the “Get Your Popcorn Ready” match of Week 5!!! What?! What the hell just happened? The spread’s (-85) in favor of Dynaksee. How the hell can this be the “GYPR” match?! WonderBoy must have gone crazy to call that. Well, yep. I sure did!! Here’s the kicker, this is gonna be one helluva match, but Dynaskee takes the win… (*awkward pause…still pausing…still pausing…deep breath…) But Cataskeena covers the spread punks!! Holla! News Flash: WonderBoy uncontrollably picks his squad to cover every week. Will WB ever come to his senses? Will he continue to irresponsibly pick as he has? Only time will tell…I love my job!
10:30
Lane 1 – Skeet Er Done vs. Skee Generation X (-620)
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
And there’s no tenderness like before in your fingertips.
You’re trying hard not to show it, (baby).
But baby, baby I know it…
You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling,
Whoa, that lovin’ feeling,
You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling,
Now it’s gone…gone…gone…wooooooh.
-Maverick and Goose
[Ed's note: I don't know what's going on here with this pick but I'm pumped for my protege rookie Mike The Mouth to meet up with these cocky Gen X'ers.]
Lane 2 – H.I.Skee Positive (-45) vs. DJ Pauly Skee
I just noticed I picked damn near every match this week. Mufugga’s tired meow. Holy hell… But wait, I just thought of something. Do you think DJ Pauly has some form of STD? Oh settle down Raleigh. I know that sh*t’s not a joke, but c’mon. Wouldn’t it be that much more compelling if this late night match up was V.D. vs. V.D.? Am I the only one that thinks that’s funny? Baaah! Nevermind… Anywho, I think I’m all over this match up cuz it’s NOT on the hundogasm that is Lane 1. The boys of H.I.Skee Positive keep the momentum from last week’s 900+ performance and take down DJ Pauly. I actually think this is a pretty damn close call on the spread, but so was last week and the AIDS boys pulled through for me. H.I.Skee covers… (Ummm, can you please pull through for me?!)
[Ed's note: This has gotta be the first time in history someone's actually rooted for an HIV Positive result, right? And as a side note, this match would be so much better if it were H.I.Skee Positive vs. Hepatitis Skee. Just sayin...]
Do Work Raleigh,
WonderBoy
